Goodbye Facebook Games, Hello Real Life, yet again

It's been a few months since I've done a blog entry.  Months spent Facebook gaming, which is my habit when I just want to ignore real life for a while.  Lately the traumas and dramas of my real life have again become so profuse that they force me to look at them if I hope to survive.  The Facebook games become, of course, a nuisance, too far removed from real life that they indeed add to the angst.

So I'm taking a bit of a break from Facebook, at least the games, and back to looking at my "Life on the Edge" and blogging.   I don't know why I feel the need to always share it with others.  It's who I am I guess.  I can't help myself.  I guess I always figure it might help others in some way.

As my morning wake up habit has been Facebook for quite some time, I can't seem to fully stop for now.  This morning I shared on FB a news article about a man shot by the police.  A man with schizophrenia.  It bothered me that sharing that post might only make it another miniscule post that whips through your newsfeed for a second, perhaps you look at it, perhaps you read it, and maybe even comment on it.  'How awful', or whatever... but then maybe quickly forgotten.

Did anyone really get anything from my 'sharing' this horrendous incident?  And so I feel I must write this blog post... about my experience with schizophrenia, hoping that someone will read and come away with more understanding.

This all comes what what I have researched, learned through mental health communities, and real experience - such as being friends with people with a mental condition.  I hate the word 'illness'.  It is an illness, but it is just as much a societal problem that creates and maintains it.

I began this blog when Glenn Close started BringChange2Mind , an organization to give people a voice and encourage them to no longer be afraid to use that voice to advocate and educate others about mental conditions.  So when I can, when I have the courage, I do.

Schizophrenia  Schizophrenia is a true illness.  It has been proven that there is real damage or misfunctioning of the brain, different or changed chemical reactions from those of others.  Which is why when a person is first assessed by a doctor, they first look for and ask about drug use.  Everyone 'knows' that drugs are 'mind altering'.  This is true to the point of being physical and is now scientific fact.  Beyond that research is also being done for those that are 'born that way'.  Yes, born that way.  Many with mental issues (especially children) are born with their problem.

Like any illness, drugs are researched and prescribed to help deal with the physical problems and reduce symptoms.  With all that in mind, I'd like to move to the societal problem that creates, maintains, and worsens the life of those dealing with mental illness.

My metaphor is always one of diabetes.  If a person has diabetes, we know that their pancreas is not functioning correctly to metabolize sugar.  This can be a condition a person is born with, develops early (Type 1) and develops later in life (Type 2).  In most cases we do not blame the person or fear them for this, it is simply that a part of their body isn't working correctly.  We are pleased to see them get the help they need, fund research and charities to further understanding and a cure, and are glad when their illness is well maintained and their life more normalized.

Now lets look at what might happen if we took a different point of view.  People with diabetes are a threat.  They are to be feared.  What if we wrote books, made movies, and generally always spoke about people with diabetes in ways that always showed them as this threat, and beyond that even  evil?  Seen any good horror flicks lately?  Watched any cops shows or mysteries?  Who is more often than not the 'villian' and carted off to jail or killed, definitely ostracized.

So, you're a person with diabetes.  Would you be afraid to go out in public?  Let it be known that you have diabetes?  Afraid to get your medication or use it for fear that someone will come to know?  And what will they do with that knowledge?  Tell others?  Refuse to hire you?  Refuse to let their children near you?  Avoid you themselves and tell others to also out of their fear and ignorance?

Would you see, in many books, over the radio, on tv and in the movies a portrait of yourself that says you are a monster?  How would you feel about yourself?  And how would you cope with that day to day?  Do you think it might, in fact, make your life a 'living hell' and increase your fear and anxiety, make you more likely to hide, retreat from society, and fear everyone out there?

This my friends, is how it feels to have schizophrenia and many of the other mental illnesses that  people spend their lives trying to cope with.  These are the 'voices' that torment them.  They are more often than not the societal voices that we all cope with.  But they don't realize that.  Because the very real physicality of their brain problem often does not let them realize that, work it out, or experience it in the same way we do.

Imagine the worse nightmare you have ever had.  Now imagine that nightmare does not go away when you wake up.  It is in every moment of your waking hours as well.  Now try to cope with life.

Medications help reduce and alleviate some of this, reduce the manic times to make life almost managible.  But the stresses of life and the stresses of societal norms and the way they are looked at make every day a difficult day.  It's only a matter of how difficult.  

Please change your mind and love my daughter.  She is the most beautiful person on earth, always was, always will be.  But this illness and society work hard to keep her from being such and feeling such, no matter how hard she works every day.  

She doesn't deserve this.  Nor does anyone else who has a mental condition.  But it is their life, theirs to live, and they are doing the best they can, often without the comfort of human kindness and caring.  And often, as seen from the Facebook posting I shared this morning, with the very real threat of violence being done against them, for no good reason, and out of ignorance.

And that is my 'comment' on the Facebook aticle I shared this morning.

The Wedding Gift

It's not the object, but the person attached to it, that sometimes makes us cling to an item that others may see no value in.  Such is the tall cocktail glass that I lovingly washed this morning.

The glass was a wedding gift from my Aunt Arlene.  It's going on 37 years old now.  It's the last of a set of four.  Some of the detail is missing from its bottom edge.  But I love it and hold it to my heart like none other.

We've moved some over the years.  I still have boxes of odds and ends such as this that I find when I'm looking for some other needed but not often used item.  Over the last few years I've come across Aunt Arlene's glass a number of times.  It being only one, it often remained in its bubble wrap and got returned safely to the box, until I could figure out what to do with it.  But part with it I could not.

A couple of months ago Aunt Arlene's glass was the last item in a box that I emptied, and so, it did not get returned to the box, but instead got placed on a shelf (still in the bubble wrap) until I could decide what to do with it.  It sat on the shelf for these couple months until yesterday, as I cleaned, and decided that sitting on the shelf in bubble wrap is not how this glass should be.

Perhaps I should use it.  Warm memories of Aunt Arlene played through my mind each time I touched it, and I thought, that would be nice to experience a few more times in this Now.

Aunt Arlene was a delicate little lady, petite and of the short stature that is my father's side of the family and which I also am.  Aunt Arlene lived in Virginia and so only came to visit once every couple of years throughout my childhood.  Each time she came she brought me gifts.  Each time she came she taught me a craft, as she loved to do.  Christmas balls made from cutting out and pinning together on a Styrofoam ball small pieces of velvet, odd bits of old jewelry found at second hand shops, and completed with ribbon to hang from the tree.  Lovely they were.  Special the time we spent together.

Aunt Arlene is the only one from whom I would accept to be spoken of by the nickname of "Pammy".  Aunt Arlene said "Pammy" with a gentle smile and a soft voice that felt like a warm embrace.

As my acceptance of recognizing Spirit around me has grown, I have felt and heard Aunt Arlene's presence, especially this past winter when I was in the winter doldrums.  She was there, encouraging me to be strong, buoying up my sense of self, embracing me with her gentle "Pammy"; letting me know that those in Spirit were with me and loved me.

So this morning I washed Aunt Arlene's wedding gift to me - a lone, tall cocktail glass with the impish three monkeys on it.  Below each monkey could still be read what they say:

Hear no evil.

See no evil.

Speak no evil.

And it struck me.

I always wondered why Arlene gave me cocktail glasses with these silly little monkeys on them.  I always thought it just a 'little' odd for a wedding gift.

But today, the life lesson that only this lovely lady could impart (and often did) with such a gentle morality came clear.

And today I determined 'what to do' with this lone, single wedding gift cocktail glass.  It will be given a place of honor on one of my special shelves with my other treasures - so that each time I pass it - I will remember my wonderful Aunt Arlene and the message behind her wedding gift to me.

Hear no evil.  See no evil.  Speak no evil.

And my darling Aunt, I sincerely hope I can, each day live and move with the Grace that you have given me.

I AM So Blessed

This morning I pulled out my bag of journals, hoping to find and connect with the moments that Spirit spoke with me, brought me Peace and filled me with love and joy.  I haven't given up the thought of pulling some of the most inspiring together to make a book to share with others.

As I looked through the journals I found also the odd pieces of paper with a scribbled note, a song lyric, or long conversations - my fear thoughts, my inspired thoughts, the gifts of love and confirmation from Spirit.

I also found a card from Bethany, this amazing daughter given to me, so beautiful on the outside and beyond beautiful on the inside.  Beth sent me the card during a time of difficulty for our entire family.  It seemed that each one of us - Frank and I, Patrick, Neil, and Beth - were each struggling with issues that threatened our happiness and our 'life'.

Knowing that I sometimes come close to drowning in the fear and burden of worry for my loved ones, Beth wrote inside the card:

Mom,  Thank you for your love and understanding.  I hope there are happy endings for everyone - but if not - I hope we learn our lessons well and transcend all boundaries and holds formed by fear.  It's all in the love we give today.  I am grateful that you are in my life.  I love you.     Beth

I found the joy I was looking for this morning.  I AM So Blessed. 

Taken Care Of

So, this morning my angels gave me "Silent Night".   My mornings take a couple hours for me to waken from my stupor and begin the day.  Often when I wake the strains of some song are playing through my mind.  I've learned to let them play, while I wait to receive the message that they are meant to impart.

The last week contained some very difficult circumstances for me, of which I shared a big part of the result.  With that comes the struggle to understand, to continue to believe in ourselves, wonder if we did the 'right thing', and wonder what the 'right thing' is.

So the quiet strains of "Silent Night"... all is calm, all is bright... were a welcome relief as I sat with my coffee, looking at Facebook, answering and posting, and playing my games.  They played on through to the second verse:  Son of God loves pure light.  Radiance beams from thy Holy face... with the dawn of redeeming grace....

I listened and wondered:  who is sending me this? yet was content to feel the comfort it brought.

Eventually I got up, washed my face and started last night's dishes.  Household chores can become meditation times, and doing dishes is such for me.  As I washed and rinsed, hot water and bubbles, coffee cups and silverware placed in the strainer... along with the song came the image...

Standing beside my Aunt Ruby, a fine, classic lady of poise and grace; in the little Baptist Church of my childhood; singing that second verse with such reverence and heartfelt belief in the Christ and his love.... Radiance beams from thy Holy face... with the dawn of redeeming grace....Jesus, Lord at thy birth....

And I felt her presence.  And I saw her smiling face.  And I felt the message that she came to give..... redeeming grace.... 'you are innocent, you are without sin in this matter,  let the pain and hurt go, move past it quickly.  You are simply loved; because of His redeeming grace'.

All is Taken Care Of, for you and those you love, All is Well. 

As my body shook a fountain of tears gave release.  And so I share with you the love that sees us through and helps us move on to believe that the next bright moment is yet to come.

Blessings,
Pam

Champagne Appetite on a Beer Pocketbook

"You've got a champagne appetite on a beer pocketbook".  That was one of my mother's favorite sayings to me over the years.  Depending on the mood I was in at the time, it was met with mild irritation or outright self-righteous anger.

Who the hell was she?!  (to comment on me).  This is MY life, and my decision, and DAMMIT, I have the right to have something nice.  I earned the money.  I deserve quality.  I've had enough of going without or having only the cut-rate, 2nd rate knockoffs that are cheesy and cheap in quality and price.  And then because they are cheap, that don't last or don't work, and you end up spending three times as much to not even get close to what quality would give you in the first place! 

So, yes.  We bought quality, and paid more, and had nicer, better, more pleasing to the eye in everything we could.  Then sometimes over these years, life came in and took those things from me.  Sometimes I voluntarily gave them up.

It was the paying more and the giving up that my mother couldn't abide.  It was the paying more that she derided whenever we were in financial straights and I was crying.  "Your mother has always got to have the best", she said to my daughter one day.  Boy, did that piss me off.

Recently Spirit sent me the thought of 'self indulgent' to work with and mull over.  What I love about ideas from Spirit is there is no judgment attached to them, just love, just saying 'take a look at this'.  So I have been.

I realized I have been self-indulgent all my life.  I have been especially self-indulgent over the last few years when it comes to soothing my pain.  I chose the worst things to comfort myself with - cigarettes, fats and sweets, lazy attitudes and actions - and moved into them with a vengeance, believing that life was knocking me down, there was no one to comfort me, and I might as well comfort myself, in whatever way I chose.

Patrick and I were discussing the other night how little any of us really appreciate all we have in our society; how we are not seeing the extremes of consumerism to which we are moving.  Do we really need a $300 coffee maker that will make a single cup of unlimited flavors 'just for us'?  Do we really envision ourselves enjoying that cup wearing only a towel?

If that is what we want for Christmas, then we have really moved a long way away from what is important, and what we need versus what we've 'got to have'.   I'm not looking to knock anyone or knock Christmas.  I'm still mulling over what Christmas will mean to me this year.  I already know it will be a year of very little or no money to spend on gifts.  We've had those years before, more times than I want to say.

I'm thinking that this year will be a little different.  I sincerely hope so.  In those prior years I cried because I wasn't able to buy that coffee maker if I chose.  (Well, I probably would never buy that coffee maker, but at least buy a good measure of 'quality' gifts for those I loved; be a part of our society's measure of the 'Christmas Season'.)  In those years I grieved and was embarrassed that I couldn't be a part of Christmas the way 'everyone else was'.

As Patrick and I talked, of course we spoke about how much marketing and consumerism has led to not only our, by our society's indulgent attitudes.  We have been told for years we could and should have it.  If we didn't think we could, financially or emotionally, it was pressed upon us how they (marketers) would 'find the way' for us to have it.

In the years of losing all the wonderful things I had gained, it was that last thought that has left me so angry and bitter; feeling used by others for their gain, both before and after the purchase.

This year is different for me.  In looking at my self-indulgence and pain, I of course realize how much I am only hurting myself by the choices I made/make.  I realize that the person I have become because of those choices is the greatest source of my pain.  Angrily blaming the world only leaves me angry and bitter.

A few months ago when my Guides spoke to me of their presence around me and their assistance in my life, they said that my life 'might not change' because of it.  The last few months have been about remembering that no outside assistance, human or etheral, can take over your life and make it a miracle.  Your life is the result of what you have built, continue to build, and the attitudes you take as you walk through life.

I have been especially reminded to look to myself, not with criticism, not with pity, and not with expectation or pleading for special gifts, favors, or more of everything; but with a clear understanding of Who I chose to be.

Along with that, over and over Spirit has guided me to people, places, and themes of love and forgiveness, for myself and the world at large.  The theme of this last six months has been that of returning to love, living from the heart, giving and receiving love as the answer to my own and the world's ills.

In looking at my self-indulgence and what is has brought me to, I remember the person that I always intended myself to be, but somehow lost or misunderstood how to make along the way.  I have never been about the world view or how others do.  I always intended to live from my convictions, to live with love, to be the best I could be, and offer that to others and the world.

Somehow along the way I bought into the hypnotism of society's view and marketing.  Somehow I came to believe that I was powerless under the mountain of  attitudes, ideas, and false beliefs to which we are all exposed and bombarded with every day, from those close to us as well as the 'global' community.  I came to believe that 'they' out there with their attitudes and actions were greatly responsible for the results of certain circumstances and my pain.

I still believe that we all affect our world, are responsible to each other, and that what we do has impact on the other.  But Spirit has reminded me that when it comes to Me and my world, it is my attitudes, my decisions, my thoughts and actions that create it and make it painful or beautiful.  Those same ideals affect the world at large.  If I would have love and beauty I must Be love and beauty.  I must give those things to myself as well as the world.

And so I have returned to love and heart-centered living, for myself and the world.  This is Who I am, Who I always intended to be, and the person I will once again become.  Love for myself allows me to give up the self-indulgence.  Love for others allows me to give up the hateful attitudes.

The world may not change.  Nothing anyone does needs to affect me and cannot, unless I forget to live with love.  It is not my place to make them change or scorn them for anything they are or are not.  It is my place to Love them and Myself to make this Christmas and every Christmas to come blessed.

Much Love,
Pam

The Solution

Is there something in your life that is not working?  A person you encounter, an addiction you have, a difficult circumstance that never seems to change?  Perhaps the problem lies not in that person, thing, or recurring problem.

There is never a time, a place, or a circumstance where love is absent.  If it seems that there is, then we have forgotten, and chosen incorrectly.  Solution lies in waking up to that fact.

Imagine you're baking a cake - and you reach for the salt rather than sugar as the main ingredient.  The moment you realize you have, you laugh & say:  'What was I thinking!'  Without fear, without judgment,  and with laughter we choose the sugar bowl and are glad we did.  Now our cake will taste sweet.

This is how we apply truth to any situation.  It is the Ho'oponopono process.  It is the Forgiveness & Atonement decision of A Course in Miracles.

Wake up (realize the error)
Be grateful (that we realized/were shown)
Ask forgiveness (that we almost chose incorrectly)
Choose correctly (Love)

The Ho'oponopono prayer & clearing process says:
Thank you
I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me

Both Ho'oponopono and ACIM ask us to realize that the error lies not in the other person, the issue, or circumstance.  The error lies within us - within the thought that we thought the error lies elsewhere - and almost choosing incorrectly.

We are glad we quickly realized, grateful we were shown, thankful to the other person or circumstance for giving us this opportunity.  Then we just as quickly release - we ask forgiveness for ourself and them - for almost making a mistake.  And let it go.

A Course in Miracles asks us to see any person or situation we encounter as having the potential of a 'Holy encounter'.  No preconceived notions, no snap judgments, no decision to keep either if they occur.  If/when they do, the way out is to ask for Love for all involved and let Truth be the answer.

This is not a 'new' way but has always been the way.  It is only in our choosing.

The End Days?

Are these the End Days of which the Old and New Testament authors (and other traditions) spoke?  The turmoil of today's world is something we often speak about and question in our house, as it seems many others around the world do also.

Last evening Patrick brought home a video series given him by a friend who is 'deeply into' the ideas expressed in them.  Patrick was also excited, wanting to share, and so we sat together and watched the videos.

I will not state what the series was, nor speak against it - that is not my way.  Each person comes to their understanding in their own way.  I trust in the Source of us all, of which we are all a part, to lead each one to that.

However I will state what I have come to understand as my way and how I strive to live my life.

I call myself Christian - not because I believe in any of the established Christian churches - I personally do not, nor do I wish to be associated with most of them, because of what they have become.

I state this emphatically because the dogma of man & his churches quite often leads people astray from the true message of Christ.

Yes, read your Bible and attend your church if you wish - but beyond that - sincerely ask to know Christ - and He will reveal himself to you.   If you truly believe in Christ and believe that He did not die, then you know that He is alive within this world and beyond this world, has always been, and will always be.  Being alive, He is available to you in a miriad of ways.

I have been on a spiritual journey my whole life - as I believe we all are.  I have not been afraid to question the established norms and ideas.  I have explored many many ideas & teachings of what 'God' is and how we should live our lives.

For me, it all comes down to the Christ - what was taught by the man Jesus - and what continues to be shown me by the Christ Spirit/Consciousness.  (Jesus was the man - the Christ is the consciousness in which he dwells and that we can all aspire to.)

So this morning I looked through my Bible to find some of the passages upon which I base my beliefs.

I found it in Matthew 22:34-40

But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together.  Then one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question, testing him, and saying:  'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?'  Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the first and great commandment.  The second is like it:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments hang all the laws and the Prophets.'

 The answers to much of the questioning that goes on today is given in these verses.  The Pharisees and Sadducees were the two main sects of the established Jewish church.  From my studies, the essential difference is that one believed in Ressurection/Reincarnation, the other did not.  Both taught Jewish tradition/belief based upon the Torah and laws handed down from their history.

If you read Matthew and other books of the New Testament you will find that Jesus questioned and criticized both the Pharisees and Sadducees often, and they him.  Think about it:  if some man came today and said he was from God, that he fulfilled all the prophesies, and that you should listen to him on a new way of living your life and your religion, would you blindly follow him and believe him or would you question and have confusion because of all you had been taught your whole life?  (Sound like anything that's going on today?)

Jesus said he didn't come to tear down the law (their established ways) but he also said he 'came with a sword' and would set father against son, sister against brother - meaning to me that what he taught would and should make us question all that we had previously 'known'.  Jesus said we should not live by the 'letter of the law' but by our questioning to God in our hearts of what it meant.

If you read throughout Matthew you will find that the established church quite often tried to indict Jesus for the places where he seemed to act against their established  law.  The church today continues to do that to people.

In my studies of the various churches and new isms and thought structures that are alive today, I find it curious that they often grab and focus upon literal interpretations and unyielding requirements of living from and by old dogma, ceremonies, ideas.

I believe that Jesus gave answer to old beliefs and dogma in his answer above.  On these two commandments hang all the laws and the Prophets. 

Again, if you read through Matthew you will find many stories of how the established church attempted to discredit Jesus by pointing out the places where he seemed to go against established law.  His response was usually that the ultimate law is of God, our Father, whom we have direct connection to, if we will seek within our hearts and mind to establish it.  He taught that God is not the old idea of a judge that will condemn you to death, but a loving father (Abba) that will forgive you always.

I live my life by establishing and staying connected to my Source and my brother, Jesus the Christ, through love and the Christ consciousness.  I do not worry nor strive to live by the laws of any established or new doctrine, yet honor the truth that resides within them all, in those places where the truth is taught.

I live my life by the two greatest commandments given by the Christ upon which all others are fulfilled:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Are these the End Days of which the Old and New Testament authors (and other traditions) spoke?

For myself I do not worry.  (Well sometimes I do, and sometimes I fall short of all this - but that is what forgiveness is for, and another story).  When I return (work to  stay connected within my heart) through love, to my Source -  I know that all is well and will continue to be.  Heart based living through Love is the answer for me.

Blessings,
Pam

As I Believe

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone's shadow

If I fail, If I succeed

At least I'll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the Greatest Love of all is easy to achieve....

I found the Greatest Love of all inside in me.....

Learning to Love yourself is the Greatest Love of all.

---

The lyrics listed above may not be exactly correct.  If not, I apologize, but I don't really care.  They are there as they are because a while ago pieces of this song seemed to be continually playing through my head.  It went on for days - certain lines happening each time I would become discouraged or question something in my life or my past. 

Along with the song was a strong feeling of love, being embraced and encouraged that something greater than I was very closely present in my life once again.  It seemed always to lift me up and help me feel better - about myself, my life, and what is.  Because of that experience and some things that followed, I feel a very strong tug to return to speaking from the heart.

And so I have begun to write in my blog again.

My cycles of depression and giving up on life have been somewhat detailed in this blog.  My cycles of coming alive again and my beliefs on how and why that happens are also here.  

But this experience seems different, truly a new chapter in my life.  It brought a new feeling - of inner love - that isn't really coming from me - but seems to be being given to me.

Along with the love is a strong sense of surety in the forces we all strive to believe in.  There is a strong sense of surety in myself that has never been quite so fully there before.

---

It's actually been a couple of months now since I started this blog post, but didn't publish it.  In those months I've had a number of 'ah-ha' moments that are bringing a new understanding - integrating my spiritual search and intellectual learning with my emotional and metaphysical life experience. 

I am ready to move forward again; to what I don't fully know.  But I know that where I am is where I am meant to be; where I have been was just fine.  It brought me to here - this now - divinely.  And where I go in the future will be the result of trusting all that I have learned, been taught, and will continue to be guided through - with love from the Divine - of which I am a part - and from which I receive and give in return.

I no longer feel like two people.  The dance with my duality is done.  I have embraced my totality - and found it perfectly acceptable.

Security and Comfort

Last night I read through most of my old blog entries and thought 'my God! no wonder I was so debilitated!  the things we've been through!'

I began the blog in 2009 when I became active on Facebook and the mental health communities scattered around the internet.  Eventually that fell away, as did my posting to the blog.  Life sent me another huge upset and I retreated to the corners again, cowering away from the slings and arrows of the outside world.

When I decided to start writing here again, I saw that it's been more than a year since I last did.  During that year a large part of my time has been spent playing games on Facebook.  The games require that you 'friend' quite a few people in order to make progress, and though it is discouraged, you end up friending people you have no knowledge of.  Fortunately, that has worked out well for me.  I have met some truly amazing people that have drawn me out of my shell again, who have been wonderful teachers on life and its lessons and human interaction.

Reading the old blog entries has me thinking again of the so many unfortunate events in my life.  The entries that do talk of some of it don't even begin to relate all that has happened.  When I think about telling 'my story' it is often with the thought of relating a warning (don't let this happen to you).  More often it is with the thought of showing how we muddled through, horrible though it was, how I am still here, and how I still believe in life, love, and the enormity of All that Is.

In the end, I mostly decide not to post those stories, because we all have our stories and - I though I'm still befuddled and confused by the emotions and insecurity they bring - I chose to focus on that which has gotten me through.

Recently a friend from one of the FB games was having a bit of a tough time herself.  I asked if I could send her some writings from my journal.  After reading it she said she just loved it, it helped her so much, and she needed more of this!  That response is one reason I'm writing here again.

And so, here is that entry from my personal journal of a few weeks ago:

--------------------------------------------------------------------
August 5, 2012
Basically I’ve been in a panic for the last thirty years. On high alert; guarded, stressed; waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Scattered throughout this was the occasional hope, a tiny momentary faith when I followed my interest in metaphysics and spirituality.

But faith and hope were easily shattered when dreams didn’t come true or life threw another curve. Then came the return of “give up and shutdown” mode – where I lingered for long periods of time.

But things change. Eventually, no matter how horrible the past situation, life became different – if not better.

Life here is the duality – good and bad, ugly and beautiful, unhappy and happy. Thank God that there will always be change - because even if you can’t seem to pull yourself up – the abundance of life will.

I believe in angels. I believe in Guides and direct communication with those in the spiritual realm who do love and support you – who will not leave you comfortless when it seems the whole world has.  There are constant little reminders that goodness exists; there are gentle whispers that you are not alone; that there are those who care – and will see you through – and be there on the day that you smile again.

I know - because they have seen me through these 30 years of pain and panic. When I turned my back on them because they didn’t make my whole world a miracle – they never turned their back on me. They were always there waiting when I couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t live in armor anymore – waiting for the next attack and fight, seeing only the nastiness of people.

When I begged to believe that it is not true – when I begged for comfort – when I broke – they were always there.

Sometimes it wasn’t always just begging. Sometimes the changes of life allowed me to see beauty once again and say Yes! to love and goodness. And they were there to affirm, embrace, and heal.

The Age of Aquarius is the age of mental communication – an increase in intuitive knowing and Divine communication – occurring in a myriad of ways. The numbers of people who discount the psychic, call it evil, or totally disbelieve have greatly diminished.

Yet there are those who still wonder sometimes (including myself) – is it just crazy? Is it mental illness for a person to say they receive messages or communicate with forces beyond our rational, concrete world?

For myself it is an especially important question, simply because I have been “diagnosed” by this world’s standards as having “mental illness”. When I look at that from a strong state of mind I have the knowing of what I have experienced to remove all doubt. When I consider from the world’s eye-view of “illness” I find the term faulty and falling short.

We are now told by the mental “health” community and their professionals that there is a physicality to mental illness – and this I do know to be true. If you overeat, eat the wrong things, don’t get enough exercise, smoke… do all the “wrong” things – your physical health will be affected. Likewise, if you repeatedly experience traumatic situations, take drugs, or are born with a physical defect to the brain – your brain will be affected by the chemicals and hormones that deteriorate its functioning and create less than optimal states – such as major panic where none should exist or confused thinking and reasoning.

However – I also see within this world a whole host of people, including those mostly considered “normal” by the world at large, who think and act differently from the norms of our given society. In any age or society, these are also easily labeled mentally “ill” by others should it serve their purpose and prove useful to do so. I will always look to defend such a judgment should I believe differently – for myself and others.

So, am I mentally ill because I believe in direct communication with the Divine, and believe I have and do experience it often? For myself, the passing thought (and worry) of such is easily put aside. Knowing takes care of the doubt. Looking back and recognizing where I have been guided, supported, cared for, and loved throughout the trials of my life restores the faith – if not the trust. 

I was shown this morning that it is the trust that has been lacking – in myself, in others, and in the Divine – that has kept me in 30 years of panic and cycling fear-based experiences.  For three weeks now the Divine has been whispering and prompting for me to return my focus to what I know to be true. The ongoing message has been one of Letting Go. The past experiences have formed who I am today. They will always be there in my memory, and at times raise an ugly head. But no longer do I have to recycle the panic and fear.

It is time to Let Go of living panic and fear. It is time to Relax into the comfort, care and love of the Divine and TRUST that all is well and always will be.

YOU ARE LOVED is the message of the Divine. It is the message I carry from the Divine.

Let Go of trying to be anything other than what you are. Let Go the need to do or be more.  There is much beauty in the Ordinary Life. The lessons and worth of ordinary life is the blessing you have been given. You are ripe with the experience of all is has taught you. Relax, let go, and embrace it.

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The references on this day of trust, letting go, and the Ordinary Life come from a tarot reading I did for myself at that time.  Tarot is one way I connect with the Divine and its messages.   My life today is (and probably always has been) very very ordinary.  It appears my future may end up being more of the same.

What is extraordinary is the Love I have been shown, and so give in return.

Many blessings,

Pam

Everything Old is New Again

This morning I posted to Facebook a link to an entry from two years ago entitled "Transitions".  In that entry I said I was no longer going to define myself as 'mentally ill' and by the specific labels placed upon me by that diagnosis.

hmmmm.... It seems that didn't happen, as I realize I still label myself as such, using PTSD as a convenient explanation for who I am, what I am, where I am, and the things I do; if I feel uncomfortable with any of it.  Usually I tell myself I am doing that because I want to be an advocate for the world to have a better understanding of all those labeled, feared, and languishing under the effects of mental illness.

For a few years now I have bemoaned those areas that contribute not only to my apparent mental illness but physical illness as well - my inability to take a walk outside alone because of panic feelings, feeling worthless because I no longer work an outside job or keep up with normal household chores, being overweight, and smoking, and the health issues those bring.

I realize mentally (and have for some time) that a big part of 'mental illness' for anyone is a lack of love for oneself.  We use all kinds of means to justify the places we apparently fall short - blaming others and the world at large being a big one that is used, condoned, and even encouraged by some today.

Life is continually changing and evolving but sometimes seeming to cycle right back to the same point - the same issues that make our life.  I've been to all kinds of doctors, counselors, done the tests and pills, looked at diets and plans and systems for overcoming my various mental and physical illnesses.

I've also spent 25+ years in active searching for a spiritual understanding of it all. Today (this day) feels good - 'happy', calm, and ripe with possibilities.  Nothing has changed with my list of issues - I'm still overweight, I still smoke, I still can't take a walk alone outside, and the dishes are in the sink.

But today I am feeling the effects of Spirit being active once again in my life.  Over the 25 years of seeking answers I have touched and been touched by the Light and Love that is the truth of our being.  I've wanted to shout from the rooftops the comfort, security and healing that brings.  Yet, how to reconcile the 'littleness' that I am with the enormity of that to others?  And so I have often stopped short.

Spirit has been nudging me for some years now to be an advocate not for my littleness but for the grandeur of our true essence.  Neither my true essence (or yours) is defined by the littleness we place upon ourselves.  Spirit will never do that, and has shown me such in a very healing way recently.

Let me share with you now a small piece of what was given to me from Spirit that has allowed me to accept all of my apparent littleness.  In future blogs I will share more.

Divine intuition/communication is subtle.  You don't really need to record concrete evidence.  Your life will continue much as it always has.  There doesn't need be any big revelations - no big changes.  You may not quit smoking.  Then again you might (gentle chuckle).  Your life will just be enhanced with the grace and LOVE of the Divine.  We are here to help - never ever to judge or hurt you in any way.  Relax.  Breathe.  It's ok.  You're ok.  Just Be Pam.  And let us be with you.  All will be well.

 In prior blog entries I occasionally touched on the area of Divine communication and interaction within our lives.  Maybe the above doesn't seem like much to you - the doubters will always discount.  But it (and other things) have given me a strong sense of healing - because of the love that has accompanied them.  Communication with the Divine will always be known as such because its non-judgmental tone.  In future entries I hope to devote this blog not to my littleness (or yours) but to the ways that the Divine is or can be active in our lives and the healing that is found there.

Many blessings,
Pam

 

Hurt

The extremity of hurt teaches us that this is something we do not want to do.

Whether it is placing our hand on a hot stove or speaking unkind words, the result of those actions can be very unpleasant.

The Universe is not mean.  God is not unkind, but loving.  However sometimes the Universe sends us what appears to be drastic and dramatic situations that hurt deeply - at times necessary to get our attention.

When we have gone on in the same way for a long time with unhappy results, yet we can't seem to see 'why', you can be sure the Universe will send you a person or situation that will show you why.  The dramatic pain & hurt may make us surrender to the quiet and introspection - to asking and receiving a loving answer.

It is our human ego that creates this drama and pain - and it is our human ego that we need to get out of the way to receive an answer.

Friends and others can try to give gentle guidance.  The apparent perpetrator of the hurt - be it stove or person - can seem to be giving harsh pain and criticism.

But in the end, when we seek the answer in the Silence we will find comfort and reassurance that all is well - even perhaps that this was a gift.  The people that we encounter in these situations are often a mirror to ourselves.  The shortcomings we see in them may be a place we need to look at within ourselves - gently, yes, but with an eye towards realizing the part we played and how perhaps we can do differently, perhaps better the next time.  We can be thankful for all involved - that perhaps this time the person and situation gave us a new understanding - a new means to go forward.

The Universe will always remind us that Love is the way - that anything other than Love does not serve us or those we encounter.  Yet we are free - to continue in the same cycles of hurt and pain - and the Universe will always be there to support us - until we decide to embrace a different manner that leads to a different outcome. 

New Beginnings

After last night's entry I am convinced of two things:  It is time for me to begin writing in my blog again and....
It is time to count my blessings.

First and foremost is the blessing that I have my husband with me again.  The three years that we had to live apart because of his work were very painful for me.  Some of that is detailed in prior entries here.  He is the love of my life.  He is my life, and I am thankful every day that I can physically touch him, hold him, and have him beside me.

(Ouch!  The voices - I'm hearing a prior counselor's sarcastic comment referring to  my "little life".)  Yes, my life is little perhaps compared to many others - but it is those comparisons that have kept me in pain.  And it is the recognition of the things that really matter that has drawn me from it.

So the little things that matter are my blessings - and what I write about here.

Another blessing is that my two sons live with us now.  The difficult economic times have made it necessary, like I guess it has become necessary for many others also.  To have them about me, as grown men, watch them in their maturity, and listen to them as another adult whose opinion I value warms my heart.

And my darling daughter, my Bethany.  Bethany has lived away from me for over a year now - a milestone she herself commented on just a short while ago.  Bethany has a debilitating illness that has in the past made her quite dependent upon me.  That she has found the strength and determination - has worked so hard every day - to make a life for herself, by herself, is nothing short of a miracle.  I am so proud of my lovely girl (now a lady) that is making her own way, regardless of the difficulties.  That she has a partner, the excellent health care resources of Vermont, and a close, caring friend that help her walk the day to day, I give thanks for every day.

I give thanks that the Universe returned me to New Hampshire in time to be here for my mother this past winter.  Beginning New Year's Eve she had a series of life threatening occurrences happen, one after another, that required my being with her and for her throughout the seven months that it took for her to recover.  Though it took her level of health and independence down a few notches, today she was able to drive her own car to my home to spend some time with us.  That time is precious now - as we fumble through all that means - for today and the future.

I give thanks, to feel the blessing of the psychic forces around me.  This is a time to acknowledge their being and the comfort of their presence in my life - guiding, protecting, loving, and instilling confidence - that all is well.

And Life is a Blessing.

A Weird Freakin Day

So, it's 9pm.  I am feeling drained... 
but healed, I think.  Yes, quite a bit healed.

This morning began with me getting quite a bit scared, upset over the current political situation again.  So upset for all of us that I felt the need to scream (post in all caps) on Facebook about it, in order to get a conversation going.

That happened and it went pretty well.  But the fear of the whole thing (and the future) still had me scared.

So I started a conversation with my adult son; the same son that I talked about in my last post (Patrick).

Tonight I am drained now because the morning had me so emotionally and physically hyped that my body was screaming - as it often is - with adrenalin and anxiety.  And now I am coming down from that "high" - thank God.

All is quiet, very quiet again - my mind, my body.  And with the quiet comes the realizations - from my inner self - from what I view as my spiritual teachers.

Patrick was one of those teachers today.  Patrick was the catalyst for what my Guides and another particular unincarnate being have been trying to tell me for a few weeks now.

There is nothing I have to be.  There is nothing I have to do.  

In the discussion with Patrick we talked about alot of things.  One particular thing is my need to help others and feel responsible for helping others.  I told him that I feel this comes from my deeply ingrained belief that that is necessary in order for me to be a worthwhile person.  That idea comes from two places - religion and society.  

My Christian upbringing indoctrinated me to believe that I am unworthy; that in order to be worthy and in order not to go to hell but instead go to Heaven and meet Jesus, my entire life must be about helping others, being responsible for them and alleviating their suffering.  And that unless I did so I would have nothing worthy to show to Jesus when I (and if) I met Him.

Society told me that I am unworthy in others ways.  In society unless you make something 'better' of yourself, unless you achieve some nameless 'something' you also are unworthy.  So I tried to achieve the home, a certain level of economic status, a job to give me those.  And I failed at that.  A few times.  

And society has sure told me since that happened that I am unworthy.  But *I* have been telling myself that more so - for over 30 years - perhaps for my entire life.

I have lived in depression and shame for the last 30 years - hiding myself away because I did not achieve - either on a spiritual or a societal level.

For a month or so now my spiritual Guides have been trying to show me in a number of ways to just "Let Go" and telling me that "it will be alright".

I've been particularly scared because I feel my life is in the last quarter - and I didn't achieve whatever those nameless societal things were - and I didn't achieve some elusive spiritual level that would make me worthy to Jesus/God.

And my Guides have been saying "Let Go".

Patrick said:  "You want society to pat you on the back."  I said:  "No, I want to have something to show to Jesus when I meet him.  I want him to be able to show me the place where I did well, and tell me, that yes, indeed I did well and therefore my life was worthwhile and worthy."

And Patrick reminded me, as my Guides have been trying to remind me, that those thoughts are what has kept me bound, kept me in depression for 30 years.

I am thinking of Jewel's song:  'If I could tell the world one thing, it would be... we are all okay.  And not to worry, 'coz worry is wasteful in times like these".

She goes on to say: "I won't be made useless, and idle with despair."

I have been made useless and idle with despair for 30 years - 30 years of depression, fear, pain - hiding myself away because I didn't meet some imaginary level of worthiness of society.  A lifetime of fear that I wasn't meeting God's measure of worthiness.

Tonight I am drained.  But feeling calm and healed.  I pray it is a healing that stays with me.  It is this healing that I believe my Guides have been trying to give to me. The reminder that I - We - are all okay.

The reminder that Jesus' message was that of LOVE.  I have always known that.  I have always said that.  I have always tried to GIVE that - to YOU.  But not very often to ME.  And that is what the spiritual side of me and those I view as my angels have been giving me lately.

That they love ME, always have, always will.  The healing comes when I can realize and LIVE that I am worthy - always have been, always will - and when I can give that love and sense to worthiness to me - because God always will.

Bullshit Arguments

Last evening my oldest son, Patrick, and I had a "discussion" that turned heated argument.  This morning we're still avoiding each other.

It will come around. It always does, because of the love we have for each other.  Sometimes I wish that result could come around sooner... BUT, we're working on it.   Oh God, how we work on it!  (lol)

In many ways we are so much the same.  Intellectually we fully embrace the belief that we all can be more, that our world could be so much better if we made different choices - looked beyond our individual little lives, looked to the world, and refused to accept common modes of thinking and doing.

The trap for him and I is accepting our human-ness.  I tell him that we must accept that we are spiritual beings living within this material world - and that its limitations are real - that we must accept ourselves and others when those limitations keep us from being/doing our highest ideal.  He tells me he refuses to accept those limitations - for himself or anyone else  - and that is why his intent is to choose the highest ideal he knows - in order to show others what is possible for us all.

Great ideals; wonderful intellectual/mental arguments...

Ahhh! "Arguments", yes.

The trap in these discussions of ours is allowing our fear-based egos to lead.  We want the best for each other and the world. We each want the other to do and be "more" - so that the result of our life is not so apparently difficult, hurtful and painful.  Fear of the world and the things it does.

In so many areas we think our life has been, and continues to be, difficult, hurtful, and painful.  The "tough" in us says:  "Welcome to the world.  Deal with it.  Cope and move on."  That's a line that I often throw at him when he talks about how hard life is.  The "belittler" says:  "You are weak - your painful, difficult life is the result of your weakness".   That's the line he throws at me.

OUCH!  I would call none of this "good".  Patrick calls it "personal attack".  So do I.  We are a microcosm of the world we fear.

So, how to "cope"?  How to move beyond perceptions of limited and weak -  to see our world differently?

We're both saying the same thing.  We both believe we are trying to "help" the other (and the world) by doing so.  But we're really just scared - as are so many.

One truism states that you cannot really "help" another.  They must help themselves.  They will learn the lesson, change the thinking and actions that produce a less perfect result "when they are ready".  Until that day they accept their own ways, yes, accept them, in order to accept themselves.  Often we tell ourselves its all we can or want to do at this time.   And sometimes the world beats us up for it.  Sometimes we beat ourself up over it.   But always, something within tells us we don't deserve to be beat up - by anyone.

We, on the other hand, in looking at these things - can perhaps change our perspective.  What are the terms good, perfect, strong, limited, successful anyway?  A value judgment - that we each individually make.   And that, we are told is, where such judgments are best left - within the individual to decide.  Not for us to decide for another.  

I said at the top of this that it will come around - because we love each other.  We choose to love one another - eventually.  And when you do that, your perspective changes from one of fear - to the recognition that all is well - or will be - or can be - if we just love.

When you look with love, the argument doesn't matter.  Weakness, limitation, pain, hurt - they are all just bullshit terms used to defend and attack.  We don't really want to attack anyone.  It hurts.

Love (the Highest spiritual ideal - that I see as "God") doesn't attack.

Love doesn't hurt - it heals.  Love does accept.  Love says I accept you - as you are.  You can be more - or you can be less.  They're really just bullshit terms that you decide the value of.  I created you to be ALL OF IT!

You can be whatever you wish.  If what you do no longer serves you or the world, you can be sure things will change - you will change your mind - or the world at large might change theirs.  Doesn't matter..

Because until that day...

I will love you as the perfect creation that you are.

And that's all we really can do for one another....  Sometimes we're just confused as to what love means.

But in our heart of hearts, we know.

From Osho this morning:

I accept all that you are. I accept all that you are not, even that too. 
You are accepted whatsoever you are, and you are accepted whatsoever you are not.  You are accepted in totality.
From my side there is no question of denying anything, but of transforming it.....

I love you Patrick.  Thank you for being in my world.  

On a Day of 100 Degree Heat

This was my day... and why I am up at  2:11 AM.

It’s been almost 3 years since we lost our last home.  How many “homes” have we had?  Tonight it feels like none.  In reality, the places have been like, thirty.  They all string in together – with an occasional, short-lived, happy memory somewhere in the background.

I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.  I only know I hurt like hell.  There is a huge hole in the middle of my being, a grief that cannot be consoled.

Let go of the grief my Guides said.  But how many times have I tried?  How many days have I pushed myself to “cope”, to “get by”, to find something to be happy about?

How many times have I felt encouraged, determined to press forward, and believe – only to have my hopes and dreams, my belief in the possibility of a good life dashed by some outside force (or person) who cares nothing for me or the difficulties of my life.

It feels like I mean nothing to anyone.

A slam from an otherwise loving child.  Anger, avoidance, lack of concern from an otherwise loving husband – because they don’t know what to do.  So it’s easier to do nothing.

The creditors… oh yes, the creditors… they delight in obstructing every small chance we attempt – because we made mistakes.  They don’t know who we are – they don’t care who we are – we cost them money.  And so, they retaliate – viciously.

The world is so mean.  

Does that sound childish?  To me it’s just a simple statement of fact.

Life sucks – then you die. 

“Oh, don’t say that!”, people say.  “What a way to think!”

“I’m not going to give up”, Frank says.  Good for him.

Maybe I am the problem, and always have been.

“You must care about your health!”, the doctors say.  What they really mean is:  “We need you to continue to come to us, as often as possible, so we can earn a living.”  “Let us string out your miserable life”.  Not that they know or care that my life is miserable.  Actually they don’t know and they don’t care.  I’m only a meal-ticket to them.

My doctor actually told me that she cannot care for my mental health.  I better go find a psychiatrist.  They will cheerfully schedule all kinds of tests and consultations with other doctors for my body – it makes them money.  But when it comes to mental health – well that is just too scary.  You’re on your own.  And the fact that there are little or no mental health practitioners out there accepting patients?  Well, that’s your problem too.  The thing that you most need help with is not our concern – or worthy of our assistance.

So why should I bother?  To care about my health?  To continue this life?

Why not wish I could die? To have all this just end.

I think about Beth, and how awful her days are a good part of the time.  And how she still goes on.  What else can we do?

Actually, that’s what Frank says:  “What else can we do?”

And I say:  “I don’t know.  I guess we have no choice, but to go on – but to live these miserable days.”

Some days I don’t think they will be miserable forever.  Some days I can find hope for the future.  And then some uncaring, unconcerned person makes some stupid thoughtless comment – “why are you depressed?”  (as in “what do you have to be depressed about”).  HELLO!  Am I really that invisible to you?

I guess I am.

Or some total stranger – like the person working for the banks and credit agencies – determines that this letter, this “account” means nothing – is “deserving” of their hatred and retribution – perhaps because their day is going wrong – or perhaps they just like the feeling of destroying someone else – this person who “didn’t pay their bills” and thus must be scum.

The fact that we lost our home means nothing.  The fact that we’ve spent every spare nickel we have to pay them what we could means nothing.  The fact that it’s been three years means nothing.  The fact that we’re doing all we know how to restore our name and our “worthiness” means nothing.

We will continue to screw over your credit report and your life – because we can.  No home for you – not now anyway – “it hasn’t been long enough”.

To me that feels like:  “You haven’t paid long enough” – for having the audacity to make some mistakes in this life.

A home?  Not now.  And tonight it feels like – not ever again.

The Second Coming of Christ

Sometimes I receive what I feel to be "inspired writings".  I haven't taken the time to explain my experiences with that fully here yet, but I will speak more of it in the future.  Yesterday morning the following came from me so quickly, with such ease, that I can only call it inspired.  I'll have more to say later.

_______________________________________________________

The Second Coming of Christ

The time of the second coming of Christ is NOW. It doesn’t matter whether or not he is actually here in body. He IS and always has been with us in Spirit. This is the time in which people are taking to heart and mind the idea that if you will “draw neigh unto him, He will draw neigh unto you”. Now is the time of personal, direct communication with Jesus and those he sends as his messengers. These are angels and guides who have always been with us but only a select few have encountered. From those miracle encounters come stories of Divine Intervention and subsequent guidance to living a positive and productive life in Joy.

The second coming of Christ is the realization and the experience that having the Divine in our lives is not reserved for a “select few” but is and always has been the greatest desire of Jesus’ heart. It is the purpose of the “Holy Spirit” of which Jesus spoke, and is available to us all.

Jesus was a man who became The Christ through the Holy Spirit that exists within him. As the man/messenger to us all, he came to teach us that we are never separate from God – the aspects of the Divine that create our world and our lives. The building up of the holy forces within any person is only a matter of choice. It has never been a matter of whether or not they exist.

You do not have to live your life tossed by the wind and the storms, fearful of the next violent encounter that “fate” sends your way. You are not alone in this world, subject to the whims of some malevolent invisible force that delights in your misfortunes.

Indeed, it is just the opposite. The Divine, holy Force that creates our Universe does so with Love. As aspects of the Divine Force, we are given the greatest of gifts – the ability to also create through our own free will. Exactly “what” we create is our choice. We can co-create through the guidance of love, seeking always the highest and best that we can do – or we can make a world of seeming random circumstance, built from the belief that the Divine does not exist or play a part in our lives.

A truth of the Universe is this: that which you believe, you create.

__________________________________________________________

IMHO, regardless of how you view "God" or what ideology you follow, (even if you think you follow NO ideology) the question becomes:  Does what I choose serve the highest that is in me, not only for myself but also for others - our world?

For Those that Hurt

I'm back home now after visiting with Frank a while.  Well, in the trailer that we rent.  Alone and lonely again.  The emptiness and four walls closed in pretty quickly.  I'm thinking about moving back to more familiar territory.  Not that that will make a huge difference, but it's something to think about.

Unfortunately, that thinking led to confusion and anxiety. Wound up tight, my emotions rising with the hot frustration of hating this then sinking to the drowning desperation of hating this, I called Patrick hoping to change the subject and the energy flows that were engulfing me.  He obviously didn't want to talk to me.  Was my state of being that transparent?  Probably.  I could hear the edge in his voice as he said:  "What do you want?".  I said: "Never mind", hung up the phone, and broke into pieces.

After a good cry, some choking and gagging and struggle for air, and some despondency laced with thoughts of suicide; the pressure broke and a numbing calm took its place.  Rise above.  Find your way out.

I opened "My Documents" on my computer, opened my "Writings 2010" and "Meditations".  I was looking for, and found, an entry from March.   I don't remember what the issue was then, but I remember receiving it at a time something like this.  With the calm comes listening and receiving the Voice that comforts me. Sometimes I open a page and type what I hear.

I've been wanting to share this with you for some time.  It's one of the first that I decided to share from the personal writings that I don't really call mine, but gifts of guidance and love.  I guess now is the time.

March 2, 2010

Do you think that when you’re suffering I don’t feel it?  I do.  I am right there with you.  We are never separated.  I experience your suffering and your joy.  The difference is, I know it need not be. 

I cry for you.  I hurt with you.  But I cry for your needless “sacrifice”.  There is nothing you have done wrong.  There is nothing you need to punish yourself for.  If you choose to experience suffering, I will be there with you.

When you chose to leave suffering behind, I am also with you.
You can do whatever you choose.  You don’t have to make yourself into something different for me.  I accept you as you are.  I love you as you are.  I am with you, as you are, in all ways, in all moments.

The times that seem particularly difficult for you are those times that you do not recognize this.

There is always another choice.

You can move from suffering at any point you choose.

I don’t ask you to suffer.  I know you are perfect.

Love your life.  Experience all that there is for you.  I will be there.

You have done no wrong.  Nor has any other.  If you think you have, that they have, you are mistaken.  Let it go.  Let that thought go.  And choose another.  Getting caught up in thoughts of hate places you in a place of hate, pain and suffering.  Your choice.

But if you don’t “like” it, you can simply choose again.

And so I make the decision to choose again, believing there is One that loves me and Guides me, knowing that the trust I place will lead me beyond this place of pain. 

What if No one Answered?

Everywhere I turn, it's No.  Can't do that, won't work, invisible wall, brick wall, stop sign.

There's an alternative, a solution, for every problem they say.  The problem for me seems to be that for each alternative there is a reason it won't work, can't work, isn't the right time, or I simply don't have the ability.

I'm stuck - have been stuck - for almost 10 years now - staring at walls and wondering what I could do; if I could do, something, and how.  There isn't much.  The limitations I have placed upon myself, and continue to place upon myself, say No to most everything.

So I sit and draw upon the comfort of my bad habits, that only serve to keep me in this place.  Most days I say, "If I could only quit smoking."  "If I would make myself exercise."  "If I would eat better."  "If I had a job again, or something to give to others."  "Something to do for others, that would move me out of my own pity party."

Beyond the futility of my own self-imposed limitations (now real physical problems that prevent work or play in so many areas) is the reality of our day to day situation.  Frank's job requires that he be away from home.  The kids are gone and no longer need me.  I don't want them to need me.  I want them to have and create their own life - like all parents do.  And I want to create mine.  So when those times now occur that they seem to need me, I push them away, finally learning the lesson for myself that as grown adults they must make their own way, no matter how much I want to make it better for them.

So, Frank is not here.  The kids are not here.  Because of his job we've moved to a place unfamiliar to me - where I know no one.  And now his job is three hours away from that.  "Go out and be friendly.  Meet people.  It's not that hard,", they say.  It's always been hard for me - and now so even more.  I can't force myself to try anymore.

So I'm alone.  Day upon day of emptiness and loneliness.  No home that is my own anymore.  And the means and the timing to make a home again unknown and pretty much unavailable until who knows when.

Oh, what a pity party, huh?  Some days I sink into it.  Most days I really try hard not to.  I do.  I really do.  I find what I can to distract myself.  I think about others less fortunate.  I push to think the positive thoughts, begin again to work with the better habits, believe there is a reason and believe in myself.

Looking for - and finding - the positive, the interesting, the seemingly important, maybe even some reasons; I pass them along on Facebook.  I remember I have this blog.  I tell myself this is what I have, this is what I can give.  Some days that feels really right and important.

Other days I question whether it is - whether what I have to say has any meaning to people who are out in the world and living their lives - and figuring it out for themselves.  Or already have figured it out.  One day I spent an entire day on an entry that I thought was good - would be helpful - only to have Beth say:  "Well, DUH!"  Meaning I guess that everyone already knows and has moved beyond the things I sit and stew about.  So that entry got trashed.  And I haven't written for days since...

And depression has overtaken me again - for the last two days.  With nothing to do, nothing that could move me beyond it, and feeling totally lost, alone and worthless, hearing in my head that I have wasted 10 years like this - I returned to bed at 11:00 a.m. - feeling suicidal again; wishing I could just take a gun to my head.  Not that I really would.  I've felt that way many times over the years.  And I never have.  I don't want to die.  I just don't want to live like this.  I want all "this" to end.  I want to feel worth and feel I contribute to life, someone's life - beyond my husband's and children's - because they all have a life.  I'm the only one that doesn't seem to.


Having nothing, and seeming unable to move to anything, what I cling to... is God.  All the years of looking out through eyes of pain, of seeing, feeling and creating misery; I've asked God "Why" and asked for another way.

I've been answered.  Many many times I've been answered; in indirect ways - books, music, other people.  In very personal - direct ways - He has answered.  When I experience that knowing, what I want in the worst way is to share it - to let others know it is real and a real comfort from all the cares and backwards thinking of this world.

And so I write this blog, attempting to share it.   But mostly I haven't.  I'm still too unsure that anyone's listening, that what I'm giving has any meaning beyond another re-hash of my own insecurities and shortcomings.  Well, that's it I guess, today....

I am feeling insecure.  I am wondering whether this one thing that I try to convince myself that I have to give - that God wants me to give - is real, or just a figment of my imagination.  And so I thought about asking:  if what I do here has any worth, if what I do here is helpful or just a past-time for others - a distraction from their busy lives that really means nothing.

And then I thought:  "What if no one answered?"

And then I thought:  "It really doesn't matter."  Not that you, my reader, don't matter.  Giving to you is why I do this.  You are very important.  "It doesn't matter" because God has answered.

I don't know why my life is such as it is.  But I do know that I matter.  And I do know there is reason for me to be in this world.  And I do know God will show that to me day by day, regardless of the place I am in - emotionally or geographically.  I know that now and I want you to know it too.

God is real.  God loves you beyond measure.  You can do no wrong in His/Her eyes.  You have worth beyond measure simply because you exist and are a part of this loving God.

All this and more, God will show you too - will tell you - if you only ask and listen.

(In upcoming posts I will be sharing more of what God has shown me.  The writings are very personal, and very possibly subject to ridicule and rejection.  But so is this entire blog.  I believe it is what God wants me to do.  It is what I want and need to do.  And so it will be.)

Go, then, and Live these Truths

Go, then, and live these truths . . . that you may spread the joy, feel it in your heart, and know it in your mind. - Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch

Something good comes of everything, they say; and sometimes it takes crisis to bring about good.  I often speak from generalized sayings, expressions, and cliches, I know.  But the more I experience life and contemplate its mysteries the more often the truth found in these sayings reveals itself to me and becomes real in my life.  That is why expressions become cliche!  They are relevant to life - if we just pay attention.

A couple of nights ago Beth called while in crisis.  She was having a hard time with some of her issues.  As I've stated before, this is not the place or appropriate for me to discuss those here.  Suffice it to say that the moment pushed the panic button for me that all mothers feel when their child is in pain.

For many years now I have studied the psychic/spiritual connection to our physical/material world.  At that moment I felt drawn to seek help on a psychic level.   Searching the website of a professional, well-known psychic, I found there a forum where you can ask questions and interact.  (It's seems a little unfortunate to me - and I suppose to them - that as professionals become more recognized they are also more inaccessible or beyond your personal financial means).  But I was happy that the forum was there, and after joining, asked a couple of questions seeking assistance.

The particular thread that I posted to was titled:  "Psychic or Psychotic?"  This is a consideration made when it comes to mental illness - those deemed mentally ill often experiencing what they feel are positive spiritual/visionary thoughts or negative psychic/otherworldly attacks upon their thoughts.  The question of whether these are hallucinations/delusions or "real" is a criteria by which mental illness is diagnosed.  (I'll explore that subject further in a later post). 

The next day I received a reply from one of the moderators of the forum.  Her answer was a calming voice of reason and very welcome.  (Just so you know, the next day Beth was once again calm, strong, rational; ready and able to cope with her life issues - as we all must do if we are to overcome them.)  As a lady who has also experienced clinical depression in her life, she recommended me to two of her Squidoo.com lenses.  


The lady's name is Sandra Lynn Sparks and much of what she said in these posts parallel the understandings that I have developed about myself and my life over the last few years.  Here are a couple quotes from http://www.squidoo.com/redefiningjoy. 
"I am not afraid of anything I feel. I accept it and go through it. When I am very depressed I rest, and think of it as a rest, not a failure."
"I know myself. I accept myself. I keep going without shame or fear."

Personally it has taken a few years and a lot of heartache for me to be able to make the above statements.   However throughout those years I have also had the blessing of Divine Guidance that was with me always - though I still stumbled at times along the path with doubt.    When you purposefully seek the Divine, the personal connection will become known in your life.  I have experienced Divine Communication and continue in the faith of the knowing that is its result - even though I continue to experience depression.

Reading the posts at the forum and Sandy's Squidoo pages once again inspired and energized me.  Sandy's second page, http://www.squidoo.com/madwomanproject, is about creating from out of the darkness, honoring the images and understanding that the dark times can show us.  Beyond the art is Sandy's determination and willingness to be a source of support and inspiration to others through the psychic forum, as a psychic, and through her web pages.

I have shared here my frustration with finding a place, a way where I can feel that I contribute to others and myself once again.  So many conventional (work or volunteering) possibilities have occurred to me -  only to be knocked down by the limitations that are also in my day to day reality. 

Refusing to let the low times keep me down, I continue to cultivate the Divine in my life - reading, praying, meditating - having faith in All That Is - and knowing that It has faith in me.  Divine Guidance supports and comforts me, speaks to me of my worth, shows me the importance of every life, and brings me joy.

Sharing that is my life's mission.  Divine Guidance has encouraged, affirmed, and reconfirmed time after time that it is my work.  Divine Guidance has infinite patience.

I believe Beth's crisis and Divine Guidance brought me to the psychic forum and to Sandy - inspiring me and energizing me once again.  To be inspired is to be "In Spirit" - flowing with the Universe - receiving and giving from the abundance of All That Is.

As has often happened in the past, I was so filled with inspiration, I was flooded with ideas to share with you.  I get so flooded that it can seem overwhelming - how to get them all down and out to you?  And then I realized......

I was creating!  I create through sharing words and ideas (actually we all do) but my particular means is the written word.  Sometimes I just cannot not write!  I create from my place of pain.  I move from the darkness into the light, embraced by the Light, and share those experiences through this little blog.  Receiving financial reward as others do - through a website, e-book, or published book - is no longer a consideration for me; though I continue to ask the Universe to support my economic needs and have faith that It will.

I cannot help but share my life with you.  Because God IS LIFE.  ALL of life - the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pleasure and the pain.  Sharing God - Sharing Life is what I do.

It was evening when all this occurred.  I was too energized to sleep - but it was time to relax - so that I could wake and share all this with you the next day.

As is my habit, I opened one of my inspirational books to receive from Spirit.  I opened Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch and read:

Go, then, and live these truths . . . that you may spread the joy, feel it in your heart, and know it in your mind.

Blessings to you my friends.