Champagne Appetite on a Beer Pocketbook

"You've got a champagne appetite on a beer pocketbook".  That was one of my mother's favorite sayings to me over the years.  Depending on the mood I was in at the time, it was met with mild irritation or outright self-righteous anger.

Who the hell was she?!  (to comment on me).  This is MY life, and my decision, and DAMMIT, I have the right to have something nice.  I earned the money.  I deserve quality.  I've had enough of going without or having only the cut-rate, 2nd rate knockoffs that are cheesy and cheap in quality and price.  And then because they are cheap, that don't last or don't work, and you end up spending three times as much to not even get close to what quality would give you in the first place! 

So, yes.  We bought quality, and paid more, and had nicer, better, more pleasing to the eye in everything we could.  Then sometimes over these years, life came in and took those things from me.  Sometimes I voluntarily gave them up.

It was the paying more and the giving up that my mother couldn't abide.  It was the paying more that she derided whenever we were in financial straights and I was crying.  "Your mother has always got to have the best", she said to my daughter one day.  Boy, did that piss me off.

Recently Spirit sent me the thought of 'self indulgent' to work with and mull over.  What I love about ideas from Spirit is there is no judgment attached to them, just love, just saying 'take a look at this'.  So I have been.

I realized I have been self-indulgent all my life.  I have been especially self-indulgent over the last few years when it comes to soothing my pain.  I chose the worst things to comfort myself with - cigarettes, fats and sweets, lazy attitudes and actions - and moved into them with a vengeance, believing that life was knocking me down, there was no one to comfort me, and I might as well comfort myself, in whatever way I chose.

Patrick and I were discussing the other night how little any of us really appreciate all we have in our society; how we are not seeing the extremes of consumerism to which we are moving.  Do we really need a $300 coffee maker that will make a single cup of unlimited flavors 'just for us'?  Do we really envision ourselves enjoying that cup wearing only a towel?

If that is what we want for Christmas, then we have really moved a long way away from what is important, and what we need versus what we've 'got to have'.   I'm not looking to knock anyone or knock Christmas.  I'm still mulling over what Christmas will mean to me this year.  I already know it will be a year of very little or no money to spend on gifts.  We've had those years before, more times than I want to say.

I'm thinking that this year will be a little different.  I sincerely hope so.  In those prior years I cried because I wasn't able to buy that coffee maker if I chose.  (Well, I probably would never buy that coffee maker, but at least buy a good measure of 'quality' gifts for those I loved; be a part of our society's measure of the 'Christmas Season'.)  In those years I grieved and was embarrassed that I couldn't be a part of Christmas the way 'everyone else was'.

As Patrick and I talked, of course we spoke about how much marketing and consumerism has led to not only our, by our society's indulgent attitudes.  We have been told for years we could and should have it.  If we didn't think we could, financially or emotionally, it was pressed upon us how they (marketers) would 'find the way' for us to have it.

In the years of losing all the wonderful things I had gained, it was that last thought that has left me so angry and bitter; feeling used by others for their gain, both before and after the purchase.

This year is different for me.  In looking at my self-indulgence and pain, I of course realize how much I am only hurting myself by the choices I made/make.  I realize that the person I have become because of those choices is the greatest source of my pain.  Angrily blaming the world only leaves me angry and bitter.

A few months ago when my Guides spoke to me of their presence around me and their assistance in my life, they said that my life 'might not change' because of it.  The last few months have been about remembering that no outside assistance, human or etheral, can take over your life and make it a miracle.  Your life is the result of what you have built, continue to build, and the attitudes you take as you walk through life.

I have been especially reminded to look to myself, not with criticism, not with pity, and not with expectation or pleading for special gifts, favors, or more of everything; but with a clear understanding of Who I chose to be.

Along with that, over and over Spirit has guided me to people, places, and themes of love and forgiveness, for myself and the world at large.  The theme of this last six months has been that of returning to love, living from the heart, giving and receiving love as the answer to my own and the world's ills.

In looking at my self-indulgence and what is has brought me to, I remember the person that I always intended myself to be, but somehow lost or misunderstood how to make along the way.  I have never been about the world view or how others do.  I always intended to live from my convictions, to live with love, to be the best I could be, and offer that to others and the world.

Somehow along the way I bought into the hypnotism of society's view and marketing.  Somehow I came to believe that I was powerless under the mountain of  attitudes, ideas, and false beliefs to which we are all exposed and bombarded with every day, from those close to us as well as the 'global' community.  I came to believe that 'they' out there with their attitudes and actions were greatly responsible for the results of certain circumstances and my pain.

I still believe that we all affect our world, are responsible to each other, and that what we do has impact on the other.  But Spirit has reminded me that when it comes to Me and my world, it is my attitudes, my decisions, my thoughts and actions that create it and make it painful or beautiful.  Those same ideals affect the world at large.  If I would have love and beauty I must Be love and beauty.  I must give those things to myself as well as the world.

And so I have returned to love and heart-centered living, for myself and the world.  This is Who I am, Who I always intended to be, and the person I will once again become.  Love for myself allows me to give up the self-indulgence.  Love for others allows me to give up the hateful attitudes.

The world may not change.  Nothing anyone does needs to affect me and cannot, unless I forget to live with love.  It is not my place to make them change or scorn them for anything they are or are not.  It is my place to Love them and Myself to make this Christmas and every Christmas to come blessed.

Much Love,
Pam

The End Days?

Are these the End Days of which the Old and New Testament authors (and other traditions) spoke?  The turmoil of today's world is something we often speak about and question in our house, as it seems many others around the world do also.

Last evening Patrick brought home a video series given him by a friend who is 'deeply into' the ideas expressed in them.  Patrick was also excited, wanting to share, and so we sat together and watched the videos.

I will not state what the series was, nor speak against it - that is not my way.  Each person comes to their understanding in their own way.  I trust in the Source of us all, of which we are all a part, to lead each one to that.

However I will state what I have come to understand as my way and how I strive to live my life.

I call myself Christian - not because I believe in any of the established Christian churches - I personally do not, nor do I wish to be associated with most of them, because of what they have become.

I state this emphatically because the dogma of man & his churches quite often leads people astray from the true message of Christ.

Yes, read your Bible and attend your church if you wish - but beyond that - sincerely ask to know Christ - and He will reveal himself to you.   If you truly believe in Christ and believe that He did not die, then you know that He is alive within this world and beyond this world, has always been, and will always be.  Being alive, He is available to you in a miriad of ways.

I have been on a spiritual journey my whole life - as I believe we all are.  I have not been afraid to question the established norms and ideas.  I have explored many many ideas & teachings of what 'God' is and how we should live our lives.

For me, it all comes down to the Christ - what was taught by the man Jesus - and what continues to be shown me by the Christ Spirit/Consciousness.  (Jesus was the man - the Christ is the consciousness in which he dwells and that we can all aspire to.)

So this morning I looked through my Bible to find some of the passages upon which I base my beliefs.

I found it in Matthew 22:34-40

But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together.  Then one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question, testing him, and saying:  'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?'  Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the first and great commandment.  The second is like it:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments hang all the laws and the Prophets.'

 The answers to much of the questioning that goes on today is given in these verses.  The Pharisees and Sadducees were the two main sects of the established Jewish church.  From my studies, the essential difference is that one believed in Ressurection/Reincarnation, the other did not.  Both taught Jewish tradition/belief based upon the Torah and laws handed down from their history.

If you read Matthew and other books of the New Testament you will find that Jesus questioned and criticized both the Pharisees and Sadducees often, and they him.  Think about it:  if some man came today and said he was from God, that he fulfilled all the prophesies, and that you should listen to him on a new way of living your life and your religion, would you blindly follow him and believe him or would you question and have confusion because of all you had been taught your whole life?  (Sound like anything that's going on today?)

Jesus said he didn't come to tear down the law (their established ways) but he also said he 'came with a sword' and would set father against son, sister against brother - meaning to me that what he taught would and should make us question all that we had previously 'known'.  Jesus said we should not live by the 'letter of the law' but by our questioning to God in our hearts of what it meant.

If you read throughout Matthew you will find that the established church quite often tried to indict Jesus for the places where he seemed to act against their established  law.  The church today continues to do that to people.

In my studies of the various churches and new isms and thought structures that are alive today, I find it curious that they often grab and focus upon literal interpretations and unyielding requirements of living from and by old dogma, ceremonies, ideas.

I believe that Jesus gave answer to old beliefs and dogma in his answer above.  On these two commandments hang all the laws and the Prophets. 

Again, if you read through Matthew you will find many stories of how the established church attempted to discredit Jesus by pointing out the places where he seemed to go against established law.  His response was usually that the ultimate law is of God, our Father, whom we have direct connection to, if we will seek within our hearts and mind to establish it.  He taught that God is not the old idea of a judge that will condemn you to death, but a loving father (Abba) that will forgive you always.

I live my life by establishing and staying connected to my Source and my brother, Jesus the Christ, through love and the Christ consciousness.  I do not worry nor strive to live by the laws of any established or new doctrine, yet honor the truth that resides within them all, in those places where the truth is taught.

I live my life by the two greatest commandments given by the Christ upon which all others are fulfilled:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Are these the End Days of which the Old and New Testament authors (and other traditions) spoke?

For myself I do not worry.  (Well sometimes I do, and sometimes I fall short of all this - but that is what forgiveness is for, and another story).  When I return (work to  stay connected within my heart) through love, to my Source -  I know that all is well and will continue to be.  Heart based living through Love is the answer for me.

Blessings,
Pam

As I Believe

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone's shadow

If I fail, If I succeed

At least I'll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the Greatest Love of all is easy to achieve....

I found the Greatest Love of all inside in me.....

Learning to Love yourself is the Greatest Love of all.

---

The lyrics listed above may not be exactly correct.  If not, I apologize, but I don't really care.  They are there as they are because a while ago pieces of this song seemed to be continually playing through my head.  It went on for days - certain lines happening each time I would become discouraged or question something in my life or my past. 

Along with the song was a strong feeling of love, being embraced and encouraged that something greater than I was very closely present in my life once again.  It seemed always to lift me up and help me feel better - about myself, my life, and what is.  Because of that experience and some things that followed, I feel a very strong tug to return to speaking from the heart.

And so I have begun to write in my blog again.

My cycles of depression and giving up on life have been somewhat detailed in this blog.  My cycles of coming alive again and my beliefs on how and why that happens are also here.  

But this experience seems different, truly a new chapter in my life.  It brought a new feeling - of inner love - that isn't really coming from me - but seems to be being given to me.

Along with the love is a strong sense of surety in the forces we all strive to believe in.  There is a strong sense of surety in myself that has never been quite so fully there before.

---

It's actually been a couple of months now since I started this blog post, but didn't publish it.  In those months I've had a number of 'ah-ha' moments that are bringing a new understanding - integrating my spiritual search and intellectual learning with my emotional and metaphysical life experience. 

I am ready to move forward again; to what I don't fully know.  But I know that where I am is where I am meant to be; where I have been was just fine.  It brought me to here - this now - divinely.  And where I go in the future will be the result of trusting all that I have learned, been taught, and will continue to be guided through - with love from the Divine - of which I am a part - and from which I receive and give in return.

I no longer feel like two people.  The dance with my duality is done.  I have embraced my totality - and found it perfectly acceptable.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

It's 6:40 AM.  I don't have much time.  I'm headed for New Hampshire to share a Mother's Day meal with my Mom and Dad.  A three hour trip, and it's SNOWING!  May 9th... only in Vermont!  Gotta love it....

I haven't seen Mom in two years.  Very strange.  Her love is unconditional.  Always has been.  I was the one that broke the bond, created the "issue".

It's time... way beyond the time... to let it go.  

Sometimes it seems life brings troubles TO us, that other people and circumstances are the reason.  That's an easy out to justify the pain associated with any crisis.  

In learning to recognize my responsibility in all life has brought me, I came to understand that WE determine our life.  We are in control, charting the course, and steering the ship.  That includes everything that "comes our way".

For the longest while, that just meant moving the blame from "them" to ME.  Didn't feel any better.  Often felt worse.  Life in hell as a nightmare continued.

Then I decided to return to Who I've always been, What I've always believed, and to honor my life's path by including What I've learned along the way.

I've learned that:  What we focus on, we become.  

A review of the painful areas of my life and the resulting depression, despondency and hardships certainly proves that to me.  

  

Another lesson learned along the way:  Regardless of the circumstance or how it comes to you, it is always your perception and thought that determines its value.  You place the "good" or "bad" aspects, you decide what you will "hold on to", what you will embrace as the outcome.

I've given up focusing on hell.  Sure, it's still a journey.  But the good news is:  Life is not static.  It's constantly changing.  Thank the Good Lord for that!  The "hell" of this moment can and WILL be replaced by Heaven on Earth, if you make the decision to ask for it.  

There is Good in everything.  All That Is is always working towards the Good.  My decision is to embrace the fact that I do believe that, to seek assistance and Guidance from within and beyond, and to create a new expectation of the Joy of Life.

When that is what I focus on, the proof of that outcome has also always been revealed to me.

It's all about the Love, baby;  for myself and the woman who bore me.  Today I go to share in that Love once again and offer it in return.  Nothing else matters.


Gloria Mae Moulton Hanchett taught me that, many many years ago.

Thank you Mom, for Who you've always been.  I love you beyond what you'll ever know.

While I've Been Away

March 3, 2010

This morning I was given eyes to see my story, the story.  I decided to work with the Cayce ARE course on Finding Your Life Purpose.  This morning the narrative and work were about recognizing your positive talents.

The 1^st exercise was a guided imagery where you think of people you admire, consider why you admire them, and then through “positive projection” recognize that the talents they possess are also in you, some may be actively, some may be dormant, a “seed” you haven’t planted for some reason.

In considering the reason why you may not have planted your seeds, the narrator spoke of the “Jonah Complex”.  I had never heard of this before, and looked it up on the ‘net for further info.  It is the Old Testament story of Jonah and the whale.    What I had forgotten, or not taken away from this story as a child is the reason Jonah ended up in the whale in the first place. 

God recognized that Jonah had a particular talent – communicating to others.  God sent Jonah to tell a certain people’s that their negative ways were horrible – an abomination to Him – and that unless they changed their ways God would destroy them.  Jonah was fearful of this task, fearful of his ability to do it, and fearful of the outcome.  So instead of going to the town, he boarded a ship for elsewhere.  A mighty storm came up, Jonah was thrown overboard and ended up in the whale’s belly for 3 days – time enough for him to consider everything.  When the whale burped him up, Jonah went to the appointed town and completed his task.

The ARE narrator said that the Jonah Complex is about being afraid of our abilities – afraid of the greatness that lies in us, and so we stifle them, and in so doing, we end up frustrated, bored, neurotic – because we aren’t “fulfilling our mission” of being all that we can.

This whole thing jolted me like a bolt of lightning.  I recognized that it has been a major issue in my life, running through it, about going to college, being all I can be when it comes to my relationship with Frank, and in so many other ways.

I was also set back by the realization that over the last few years I have spent no time “allowing” any goodness into my life, and specifically no time recognizing any goodness in ME.

March 4, 2010

This morning I’m thinking about the things that I’ve learned in the last few days about myself and the things that have been presented.  Last night in reading the Course (A Course in Miracles), Jesus showed me again that it’s all about the Love and the truth of Who we really are.

I thought for a little while on how I might offer that to others (like through my blog or maybe even as a counselor or such).  I wondered about face to face relationships versus how I present myself on the internet, and if the face to face was more important.  I guess it was thinking about the face to face that got me thinking about what is most important to me for living my life and feeling okay with whoever I meet, in whatever way.

I remembered the imagery that came to me the other day when I did the exercise in the ARE course that I’m working on – that what is important to me is that I live from the heart – express from the heart in all I say and do.  It’s about the love.  I thought about how that was impressed upon me – from church – from Jesus – and how I took that on from an early age and determined to live that way.  I said, "Yes, that is what is important.  That is what life is all about".  I thought of how that became the longing, the need in me to be the essence of all I say and do in this life.

I thought about the Course again, about the theme that runs through it over and over -  seeing the truth in each person, recognizing their worth and value, their equality to me, our “sameness” in the right to love and forgiveness, our “sameness” in the truth that love is in each of us, a grand worth is in each of us, perfect qualities are in each of us.  That understanding is how I need to “see” each person, bless each person, understand each person I encounter, if I am to live the Truth.

I thought about the places in my life where I have been unable to do this.

Whenever Jesus explained that we are all equal – equally loving, of equal worth – and equally deserving of love – I felt that block.   “Yes”, I thought, “but not this person – not in this particular circumstance.”  And I thought, “How can I possibly offer love to this person, this circumstance?  How can you ask me to?”

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks or so looking at my “mental illness” and the circumstances of my life – the things that led to it, that kept it in place, seemed to make it so dire at times, that threatened to destroy my life.  I’ve done so much of that over the years, that this time I found I just didn’t want to relive those circumstances again.  I didn’t want to place myself in the depths of that hell any longer, by reliving the extremity of the pain the memories invoked.

I’ve learned over the years that I no longer want to blame other people, or even the circumstances.  And of course, I don’t want to “blame” myself.  I just want out of the hell.  I just want love and comfort, release from the pain.

Being unable to make others “understand”, feeling unloved and uncomforted, I began again to look at myself – as I always have.  But this time I was able to return to looking at myself with compassionate eyes, to give myself love, rather than blame myself for all the places where I am little, unlovable, and downright mean at times – the places where I fall short.

I thought of the times I acted with anger, explosive, retaliatory, feeling “threatened” by the actions of others, or judging the actions of others, and the embarrassment that brought later.  I thought of the after-effects on me, how the embarrassment turned to a desperate need to explain what I was then feeling:  “You just don’t understand, the pain I’m in, the fear I’m feeling.  You just don’t understand that I’m scared to death - that I’m doing the best I can, that I just don’t know what to do!  I’m sorry if what I did was wrong.  I only did what I knew to do – maybe it was habitual, maybe it was “unthinking”, definitely “inappropriate”.  But maybe it came from pain, frustration, fear – not knowing what to do.  I need compassion.  I need your love, your understanding, and forgiveness”.

Determined to keep the focus on me, (rather than project blame onto others) for the “pain” of my life, I then understood – that, yes, I need compassion.  I need love and forgiveness.  But I need to give these things to myself.  I saw that so many of the events were not what others “had done”, but were the result of how I felt and thought about myself – how I had not only been unloving to myself, but had condemned myself as never good enough, a failure, inept and unable to learn – and how that had led to the fear, the pain, the worthlessness and misery.

Looking at myself through compassionate eyes, I was able to see what we often try to tell others:  “I don’t deserve to die.  I don’t deserve your ostracism, your scorn, your contempt.  I don’t deserve to be hated or rejected.”  When you look through the eyes of love, you make allowance.   You can and do recognize that it was a mistake, a not knowing what to do, a lack of understanding - the need for love and gentle instruction.

And this brings me full circle to my question to Jesus:  “How can I give love and forgiveness to this person, this circumstance?”

By giving it to yourself.  By recognizing that those places where you fall short are just mistakes, to be forgotten, and then to move on – with love.  By recognizing your worth and value – your right to all these things, as I do.  As you realize these things for yourself, and accept them for yourself, and keep the focus on yourself, you allow yourself to receive them, you allow yourself forgiveness, and you allow yourself to move on and grow.  Love is the key.

As you accept all this for yourself, and recognize that you “deserve”, you recognize, “see” that so too, do others.  Then you can apply to others – where their actions seemed threatening, unjust, unloving – those actions were just mistakes – deserving of love and forgiveness – deserving of compassion – not hatred.  Accept and give – Love.  
You only need recognize what is needed, and be willing to give it.  If you don’t know “how”, ask me, the way will be provided.  All you need do is be willing – to make the decision for love – in all you say and do.  

These are the things that are important to me:  Living from the heart – Expressing from the heart – Giving and Receiving Love.

In order to give and receive Love, you must keep your focus on Love.  I descend into hell when I make the decision to move my focus there, to see from that point of view.  When I made the decision to move my focus from hell to Love – to the gifts of the Spirit – and from where they are given, I returned to what is important to me.  (I’m reminded of the name of Marianne Williamson’s book – “Return to Love”)

Focusing on Love makes it easy to do all things through love.  When I keep my focus on Love I remember Who I am – and why I am here.  I am given the “how” of how to live.

The Dream of Things

You don't always get to have the dream. I wish someone had told me that.... Or that I had understood it, if they did.

That's why it's a dream. They don't tell you: Go after your dream but don't have the expectation that you'll get it. Living more for the dream than for the folks in your life is what leads to hurt and shattered lives.

Maybe that's why the ones who seem to attain their dreams are usually single... or end up single in the process. There is no "happily ever after" or even the little white house with the white picket fence.

I expected the dream, or at least my semblance of it. But I found life is more about coping with the traumas it brings. No one is exempt. I wish they had taught us that.

Expect pain. Expect troubles. Grab the joy where you can. Smell the roses. Because you're going to need them when times are tough. Make it about the love, not about the gathering about you of things. Don't place your value of you and the ones you love on what you have, what you have accomplished - what they have or have not accomplished. You can live with very little, but you can't live without love.

Maybe I heard all these things, but I just didn't heed them.

Or maybe I just expected both - the happy little life, made up of things and love. This is America, after all.

It takes a lifetime, they say. When I look back, I can see that. The coming together, in youth, is often about the getting of things, and I wonder just how much real "love" is in those years.

It used to be, for me, that not having the things or losing the things or not accomplishing some thing was what brought the pain, led to anger, bitterness, distance, misunderstanding.

Now, when I look back, what brings the pain is the memory of the hurt, the anger, the bitterness - the gulf created between us over want of the thing.

I don't have the "things" anymore. Of course, I'd still like to. But it's not important if I don't.

Now the priority is to not hurt the ones I love. Now I see where those around me always knew that, much better than I. Now the pain comes from remembering how I hurt them in the past, over want of things. Now my life is about showing them that only the love matters.

Maybe some people have always gotten that. For me it's taken a lifetime. Now my dream is that I can live up to the love that they have for me, for the rest of my lifetime, with or without things.