As I Believe

I decided long ago

Never to walk in anyone's shadow

If I fail, If I succeed

At least I'll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the Greatest Love of all is easy to achieve....

I found the Greatest Love of all inside in me.....

Learning to Love yourself is the Greatest Love of all.

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The lyrics listed above may not be exactly correct.  If not, I apologize, but I don't really care.  They are there as they are because a while ago pieces of this song seemed to be continually playing through my head.  It went on for days - certain lines happening each time I would become discouraged or question something in my life or my past. 

Along with the song was a strong feeling of love, being embraced and encouraged that something greater than I was very closely present in my life once again.  It seemed always to lift me up and help me feel better - about myself, my life, and what is.  Because of that experience and some things that followed, I feel a very strong tug to return to speaking from the heart.

And so I have begun to write in my blog again.

My cycles of depression and giving up on life have been somewhat detailed in this blog.  My cycles of coming alive again and my beliefs on how and why that happens are also here.  

But this experience seems different, truly a new chapter in my life.  It brought a new feeling - of inner love - that isn't really coming from me - but seems to be being given to me.

Along with the love is a strong sense of surety in the forces we all strive to believe in.  There is a strong sense of surety in myself that has never been quite so fully there before.

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It's actually been a couple of months now since I started this blog post, but didn't publish it.  In those months I've had a number of 'ah-ha' moments that are bringing a new understanding - integrating my spiritual search and intellectual learning with my emotional and metaphysical life experience. 

I am ready to move forward again; to what I don't fully know.  But I know that where I am is where I am meant to be; where I have been was just fine.  It brought me to here - this now - divinely.  And where I go in the future will be the result of trusting all that I have learned, been taught, and will continue to be guided through - with love from the Divine - of which I am a part - and from which I receive and give in return.

I no longer feel like two people.  The dance with my duality is done.  I have embraced my totality - and found it perfectly acceptable.

For Those that Hurt

I'm back home now after visiting with Frank a while.  Well, in the trailer that we rent.  Alone and lonely again.  The emptiness and four walls closed in pretty quickly.  I'm thinking about moving back to more familiar territory.  Not that that will make a huge difference, but it's something to think about.

Unfortunately, that thinking led to confusion and anxiety. Wound up tight, my emotions rising with the hot frustration of hating this then sinking to the drowning desperation of hating this, I called Patrick hoping to change the subject and the energy flows that were engulfing me.  He obviously didn't want to talk to me.  Was my state of being that transparent?  Probably.  I could hear the edge in his voice as he said:  "What do you want?".  I said: "Never mind", hung up the phone, and broke into pieces.

After a good cry, some choking and gagging and struggle for air, and some despondency laced with thoughts of suicide; the pressure broke and a numbing calm took its place.  Rise above.  Find your way out.

I opened "My Documents" on my computer, opened my "Writings 2010" and "Meditations".  I was looking for, and found, an entry from March.   I don't remember what the issue was then, but I remember receiving it at a time something like this.  With the calm comes listening and receiving the Voice that comforts me. Sometimes I open a page and type what I hear.

I've been wanting to share this with you for some time.  It's one of the first that I decided to share from the personal writings that I don't really call mine, but gifts of guidance and love.  I guess now is the time.

March 2, 2010

Do you think that when you’re suffering I don’t feel it?  I do.  I am right there with you.  We are never separated.  I experience your suffering and your joy.  The difference is, I know it need not be. 

I cry for you.  I hurt with you.  But I cry for your needless “sacrifice”.  There is nothing you have done wrong.  There is nothing you need to punish yourself for.  If you choose to experience suffering, I will be there with you.

When you chose to leave suffering behind, I am also with you.
You can do whatever you choose.  You don’t have to make yourself into something different for me.  I accept you as you are.  I love you as you are.  I am with you, as you are, in all ways, in all moments.

The times that seem particularly difficult for you are those times that you do not recognize this.

There is always another choice.

You can move from suffering at any point you choose.

I don’t ask you to suffer.  I know you are perfect.

Love your life.  Experience all that there is for you.  I will be there.

You have done no wrong.  Nor has any other.  If you think you have, that they have, you are mistaken.  Let it go.  Let that thought go.  And choose another.  Getting caught up in thoughts of hate places you in a place of hate, pain and suffering.  Your choice.

But if you don’t “like” it, you can simply choose again.

And so I make the decision to choose again, believing there is One that loves me and Guides me, knowing that the trust I place will lead me beyond this place of pain. 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

It's 6:40 AM.  I don't have much time.  I'm headed for New Hampshire to share a Mother's Day meal with my Mom and Dad.  A three hour trip, and it's SNOWING!  May 9th... only in Vermont!  Gotta love it....

I haven't seen Mom in two years.  Very strange.  Her love is unconditional.  Always has been.  I was the one that broke the bond, created the "issue".

It's time... way beyond the time... to let it go.  

Sometimes it seems life brings troubles TO us, that other people and circumstances are the reason.  That's an easy out to justify the pain associated with any crisis.  

In learning to recognize my responsibility in all life has brought me, I came to understand that WE determine our life.  We are in control, charting the course, and steering the ship.  That includes everything that "comes our way".

For the longest while, that just meant moving the blame from "them" to ME.  Didn't feel any better.  Often felt worse.  Life in hell as a nightmare continued.

Then I decided to return to Who I've always been, What I've always believed, and to honor my life's path by including What I've learned along the way.

I've learned that:  What we focus on, we become.  

A review of the painful areas of my life and the resulting depression, despondency and hardships certainly proves that to me.  

  

Another lesson learned along the way:  Regardless of the circumstance or how it comes to you, it is always your perception and thought that determines its value.  You place the "good" or "bad" aspects, you decide what you will "hold on to", what you will embrace as the outcome.

I've given up focusing on hell.  Sure, it's still a journey.  But the good news is:  Life is not static.  It's constantly changing.  Thank the Good Lord for that!  The "hell" of this moment can and WILL be replaced by Heaven on Earth, if you make the decision to ask for it.  

There is Good in everything.  All That Is is always working towards the Good.  My decision is to embrace the fact that I do believe that, to seek assistance and Guidance from within and beyond, and to create a new expectation of the Joy of Life.

When that is what I focus on, the proof of that outcome has also always been revealed to me.

It's all about the Love, baby;  for myself and the woman who bore me.  Today I go to share in that Love once again and offer it in return.  Nothing else matters.


Gloria Mae Moulton Hanchett taught me that, many many years ago.

Thank you Mom, for Who you've always been.  I love you beyond what you'll ever know.