We're All Okay

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be

We're all okay

And not to worry
'cause worry is wasteful
in times like these

The above is a lyric from the song "Hands" on Jewel's CD entitled Spirit. I love Jewel's lyrics - which do shine with Spirit - expressing aspects of us all that I often contemplate - those places where we are wonderfully different and then again, those where we are deliciously the same.  Music is an expression of both - often moving us from a place of separation back to an awareness of the Gifts of Spirit.

One of the things about isolation and (supposed) inactivity is that it can undermine the value you place upon yourself - especially in a society such as America where we are all supposed to be "out there" striving and earning to get the next big thing.  For a long while now I have worried over this issue.  A while ago it was from a place of deep despair, believing I was no longer of any "use" to anyone or anything.

As I strive now to move myself from that place, I still face the obstacles of the fears and habits I have developed over a lifetime and the "lifetime" of supposed mental illness. Currently these obstacles still seem to block the path of my "being out there"(face to face) in just about any capacity - socializing, volunteering, working.

Some days the sheer boredom of sitting in the same place, staring at the same four walls, (while outside the weather is gorgeous) - alone with no one to talk to - drives me to distraction, creates a frustration and determination to do differently - to move forward - to find something of value that I can do.

Sometimes that's a good thing.  Recently I had a solid few weeks of eating healthy (even lost a few pounds), feeling strong and confident mentally, and calm, relaxed, and peaceful emotionally and spiritually.  I found the will to work on things that had been put off for a long while and the determination to move forward in other areas.  I saw new possibilities and acted upon them!

And then something happened.  Not sure what.... A culmination of a number of things probably.  The new possibilities didn't pan out, my vision of what and how much I could do was larger than the day to day reality of my old habits.  I slid back into a week of lost faith and tears.  One step forward, two steps back.

No, that's not right.  That would be a negative (-1) situation.  Perhaps its:  TWO steps forward and one step back.  For my faith has never left me.  And I have my children who remind me that they "will not accept that I am low, used up and cannot come back".  Thank you my blessed ones.  Nor then, can I.  A plus (+1) situation then.... for here I am.... saying hello again... in spite of it all.

I haven't given up.  I'm still pleased with the gains made.  I took a little side detour.  Iyanla Vanzant calls them "peaks and valleys" and reminds us we all have them.  I'm still heading for the next peak and I'll reach it when the time is right.

Sometimes you have to accept what is.  Sometimes when seeming obstacles keep blocking our path, we might then consider that there is a reason beyond that we can see for what currently is.  In the time spent accepting what is, we learn patience.  We don't concede our desires - we relax into another viewpoint.

It's called - Being Okay with Who we are and Where we are.  Even beyond that, it's called Loving and Accepting Who and Where we are, regardless of "Where we are".  It's doing what we can, from wherever we are, while waiting for the opportunities for growth to present themselves.  And trusting that those opportunities will be given.

When I return from the Valley, I recognize it by the release of fear and worry.

Toward the end of this song Jewel sings: 

In the end
only Kindness matters

I'm reminded of another quote, a poem perhaps, by (I don't remember who) that says: "If there is some little kindness I can do...."

What I can do is present this blog.  

(So called) mental illness and isolation can make you feel so different from everyone else.  Maybe much of what I post here is different from the "average" person's day to day.  But I also think there is much in the ways we are the same. 

When we no longer fear our differences, but celebrate the wonder of them - and embrace the places we are the same - we move closer in understanding and kindness.

Blessings my friends...

We're All Okay 



(Please note the links to Amazon in this post are not an attempt to make money. I have no affiliation in place - only provided the links if you have interest in more info)

There's Always Hope

Hello Friends,
Oh my goodness, what a week it's been! It's had a lot of activity (for me, anyway) and I'm not sure how I feel about that! Good, I guess... and that is different :)

I guess it feels strange because my emotions have been on a roller coaster. The "norm" for me for quite a while had been just self imposed numbness, so that I didn't have to feel anything.

Sometimes the world still imposes itself upon my desire to hide, such as when I had to try to deal with Frank's (hubby) insurance company regarding his recent hospital stay. What a nightmare that has turned out to be! It seems that since we moved to Vermont, none of the Doctors or hospitals around here are in the "network" of the insurance company. So that means that the insurance offered by his employer is pretty much useless to us. We will be required to meet an annual $10,000 deductible on top of the premiums. This is the only insurance offered by his employer, and now with him having a "pre-existing condition" getting our own through another carrier would be a problem..... I guess I hope now that the new Health Care Bill doesn't require people to have insurance... we'd be better off taking a chance of going without it, and covering costs ourself. Not sure what we're going to do. I didn't (and don't) want to think about it....

Thinking of it puts me in deep deep depression... whatever future we may have had feels blown for sure...

Frank was getting ready to travel again for his job, meaning I would be alone again for a while... Beth was trying to register her car in Vermont, but had lost her old registration, meaning she had to take a flying 6 hour trip to New Hampshire to get a copy and return in that same day (of course this was the last day before her registration expired!) Worrah, worrah, worrah! I was a zombie.

I've tried to move past it.... it is Christmas time after-all.

Meeting lots of new folks on Facebook, reading blogs, and enjoying having people to interact with again actually made me feel happy one day! When Beth called that morning, I told her it also made me feel uncomfortable. I'm just not used to feeling happy; it was kind of scary... can you believe that? Beth said: "Don't analyze it, Mom; just let yourself feel happy."

It lasted a little while and felt good! It's been so long!

The Minds on the Edge Facebook page has posted a link to my blog twice. Interaction with more people and the kindly comments they made felt wonderful. Sometimes I really need a reminder that there are good people in this world, and I am very grateful. Thank you so much!

I read a nice blog about the spirit of Christmas, that told of a man who had been a true "Secret Santa" for many years, giving out $10 and $20 bills to folks in obvious need. It was such an inspiring idea, and made me think of the spiritual truth that "To Give is to Receive". So I made my own blog post around both those ideas.

But you won't find that post now. I was feeling so conflicted about not being that "good" myself that it took me almost 4 hours to write it. Thinking I should let that conflict show (because my blog is about what it's like to be me) I spoke of it in the post and tried to express what I was feeling. But it "felt" so awful to have that out there in cyber-space, that I just couldn't and deleted the post a short while afterward.

I continue to talk to Beth about the folks I've met, the support and ideas around Minds on the Edge, Bring Change 2 Mind, or individuals' blogs. Most of the time she still says she just can't come out herself yet, though she does look at a few websites and blogs. We've talked about trying to get something going around here.

Beth has talked with her Nurse Practitioner about the Minds on the Edge video, but received no apparent interest. The NP told her of a group she'd try to get her in to, but you need special referral, apparently. It's been weeks with no movement there. We'd like to do a showing of MOTE and perhaps try to get a real "face to face" support group of some kind. But we really have our doubts that just the two of us would have the ability and confidence to follow-through and not give up.

We've talked with my son, Patrick, asking if he would lend support and assistance. He seemed open to the idea, so we'll keep working with it... Things move slowly... but that's the only pace I can handle now...

Beth says she continues to make progress with her new med, though she's a little worried about coming off one other. She's had some panicky anxiety/paranoia in her new apartment, and nightmares most nights, but she's handling it... The NP wanted the Psychiatrist at the office she uses to meet with Beth, to go over her meds, and that finally happened this week. He added a mood stabilizer... round and round we go...

I ended up alone only one night, because Patrick is living with us now. He had gone to visit friends, and Frank was gone on work travel. That night I watched Rudolph. I wanted the good feelings it brings. The emotions were extreme: the wonderfulness of Christmas shared with children and my own heartbreak of no grandchildren to share it with. I moved between irrepressible smiles of joy and scalding tears of emptiness. The extremity of it scared me, but I was happy that I gave myself the opportunity to feel the joy.

Later that evening I read some of my old journals and felt my connection to Spirit renewed. When I read some of the amazing "conversations" between me and Spirit, I can't imagine how I end up going through these dry spells.

But actually, Spirit reminded me in those posts that the life of illusion we live here has little to do with our Soul connection to All That IS. That connection is never broken, no matter the crazy situations we put ourselves in here. No matter how little we see ourselves, how horrible we think we are, God knows differently. And Spirit is with us always, through all those places. We are beloved, regardless, and should act from that, giving no heed to the obscure human characters we have made ourselves to be.

Patrick and I talked for hours the next day... we drive the rest of the family crazy with the length and depth of our philosophical and spiritual discussions. But we enjoy it. He helped bring back the hope, the joy, and the ability to see myself as something other than just my shortcomings. Having him here is a real blessing.

That's just part of my week. There's more, but I've been too long already... As I said, this much activity is a lot for me! Yes, it's been a roller-coaster, but having things to do and people to talk to has felt wonderful. Handling it fairly well gives me hope that maybe (maybe) I can handle more. It scares me to be out here, and it scares me to tell people that I'm moving again. I'm afraid I'll fall back and retreat again, and I'm afraid that people won't have understanding if I do.

But I hope you will be encouraged, as I am, that Hope has returned, a little bit. There's always hope, they say.....