A Weird Freakin Day

So, it's 9pm.  I am feeling drained... 
but healed, I think.  Yes, quite a bit healed.

This morning began with me getting quite a bit scared, upset over the current political situation again.  So upset for all of us that I felt the need to scream (post in all caps) on Facebook about it, in order to get a conversation going.

That happened and it went pretty well.  But the fear of the whole thing (and the future) still had me scared.

So I started a conversation with my adult son; the same son that I talked about in my last post (Patrick).

Tonight I am drained now because the morning had me so emotionally and physically hyped that my body was screaming - as it often is - with adrenalin and anxiety.  And now I am coming down from that "high" - thank God.

All is quiet, very quiet again - my mind, my body.  And with the quiet comes the realizations - from my inner self - from what I view as my spiritual teachers.

Patrick was one of those teachers today.  Patrick was the catalyst for what my Guides and another particular unincarnate being have been trying to tell me for a few weeks now.

There is nothing I have to be.  There is nothing I have to do.  

In the discussion with Patrick we talked about alot of things.  One particular thing is my need to help others and feel responsible for helping others.  I told him that I feel this comes from my deeply ingrained belief that that is necessary in order for me to be a worthwhile person.  That idea comes from two places - religion and society.  

My Christian upbringing indoctrinated me to believe that I am unworthy; that in order to be worthy and in order not to go to hell but instead go to Heaven and meet Jesus, my entire life must be about helping others, being responsible for them and alleviating their suffering.  And that unless I did so I would have nothing worthy to show to Jesus when I (and if) I met Him.

Society told me that I am unworthy in others ways.  In society unless you make something 'better' of yourself, unless you achieve some nameless 'something' you also are unworthy.  So I tried to achieve the home, a certain level of economic status, a job to give me those.  And I failed at that.  A few times.  

And society has sure told me since that happened that I am unworthy.  But *I* have been telling myself that more so - for over 30 years - perhaps for my entire life.

I have lived in depression and shame for the last 30 years - hiding myself away because I did not achieve - either on a spiritual or a societal level.

For a month or so now my spiritual Guides have been trying to show me in a number of ways to just "Let Go" and telling me that "it will be alright".

I've been particularly scared because I feel my life is in the last quarter - and I didn't achieve whatever those nameless societal things were - and I didn't achieve some elusive spiritual level that would make me worthy to Jesus/God.

And my Guides have been saying "Let Go".

Patrick said:  "You want society to pat you on the back."  I said:  "No, I want to have something to show to Jesus when I meet him.  I want him to be able to show me the place where I did well, and tell me, that yes, indeed I did well and therefore my life was worthwhile and worthy."

And Patrick reminded me, as my Guides have been trying to remind me, that those thoughts are what has kept me bound, kept me in depression for 30 years.

I am thinking of Jewel's song:  'If I could tell the world one thing, it would be... we are all okay.  And not to worry, 'coz worry is wasteful in times like these".

She goes on to say: "I won't be made useless, and idle with despair."

I have been made useless and idle with despair for 30 years - 30 years of depression, fear, pain - hiding myself away because I didn't meet some imaginary level of worthiness of society.  A lifetime of fear that I wasn't meeting God's measure of worthiness.

Tonight I am drained.  But feeling calm and healed.  I pray it is a healing that stays with me.  It is this healing that I believe my Guides have been trying to give to me. The reminder that I - We - are all okay.

The reminder that Jesus' message was that of LOVE.  I have always known that.  I have always said that.  I have always tried to GIVE that - to YOU.  But not very often to ME.  And that is what the spiritual side of me and those I view as my angels have been giving me lately.

That they love ME, always have, always will.  The healing comes when I can realize and LIVE that I am worthy - always have been, always will - and when I can give that love and sense to worthiness to me - because God always will.

Bullshit Arguments

Last evening my oldest son, Patrick, and I had a "discussion" that turned heated argument.  This morning we're still avoiding each other.

It will come around. It always does, because of the love we have for each other.  Sometimes I wish that result could come around sooner... BUT, we're working on it.   Oh God, how we work on it!  (lol)

In many ways we are so much the same.  Intellectually we fully embrace the belief that we all can be more, that our world could be so much better if we made different choices - looked beyond our individual little lives, looked to the world, and refused to accept common modes of thinking and doing.

The trap for him and I is accepting our human-ness.  I tell him that we must accept that we are spiritual beings living within this material world - and that its limitations are real - that we must accept ourselves and others when those limitations keep us from being/doing our highest ideal.  He tells me he refuses to accept those limitations - for himself or anyone else  - and that is why his intent is to choose the highest ideal he knows - in order to show others what is possible for us all.

Great ideals; wonderful intellectual/mental arguments...

Ahhh! "Arguments", yes.

The trap in these discussions of ours is allowing our fear-based egos to lead.  We want the best for each other and the world. We each want the other to do and be "more" - so that the result of our life is not so apparently difficult, hurtful and painful.  Fear of the world and the things it does.

In so many areas we think our life has been, and continues to be, difficult, hurtful, and painful.  The "tough" in us says:  "Welcome to the world.  Deal with it.  Cope and move on."  That's a line that I often throw at him when he talks about how hard life is.  The "belittler" says:  "You are weak - your painful, difficult life is the result of your weakness".   That's the line he throws at me.

OUCH!  I would call none of this "good".  Patrick calls it "personal attack".  So do I.  We are a microcosm of the world we fear.

So, how to "cope"?  How to move beyond perceptions of limited and weak -  to see our world differently?

We're both saying the same thing.  We both believe we are trying to "help" the other (and the world) by doing so.  But we're really just scared - as are so many.

One truism states that you cannot really "help" another.  They must help themselves.  They will learn the lesson, change the thinking and actions that produce a less perfect result "when they are ready".  Until that day they accept their own ways, yes, accept them, in order to accept themselves.  Often we tell ourselves its all we can or want to do at this time.   And sometimes the world beats us up for it.  Sometimes we beat ourself up over it.   But always, something within tells us we don't deserve to be beat up - by anyone.

We, on the other hand, in looking at these things - can perhaps change our perspective.  What are the terms good, perfect, strong, limited, successful anyway?  A value judgment - that we each individually make.   And that, we are told is, where such judgments are best left - within the individual to decide.  Not for us to decide for another.  

I said at the top of this that it will come around - because we love each other.  We choose to love one another - eventually.  And when you do that, your perspective changes from one of fear - to the recognition that all is well - or will be - or can be - if we just love.

When you look with love, the argument doesn't matter.  Weakness, limitation, pain, hurt - they are all just bullshit terms used to defend and attack.  We don't really want to attack anyone.  It hurts.

Love (the Highest spiritual ideal - that I see as "God") doesn't attack.

Love doesn't hurt - it heals.  Love does accept.  Love says I accept you - as you are.  You can be more - or you can be less.  They're really just bullshit terms that you decide the value of.  I created you to be ALL OF IT!

You can be whatever you wish.  If what you do no longer serves you or the world, you can be sure things will change - you will change your mind - or the world at large might change theirs.  Doesn't matter..

Because until that day...

I will love you as the perfect creation that you are.

And that's all we really can do for one another....  Sometimes we're just confused as to what love means.

But in our heart of hearts, we know.

From Osho this morning:

I accept all that you are. I accept all that you are not, even that too. 
You are accepted whatsoever you are, and you are accepted whatsoever you are not.  You are accepted in totality.
From my side there is no question of denying anything, but of transforming it.....

I love you Patrick.  Thank you for being in my world.  

On a Day of 100 Degree Heat

This was my day... and why I am up at  2:11 AM.

It’s been almost 3 years since we lost our last home.  How many “homes” have we had?  Tonight it feels like none.  In reality, the places have been like, thirty.  They all string in together – with an occasional, short-lived, happy memory somewhere in the background.

I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.  I only know I hurt like hell.  There is a huge hole in the middle of my being, a grief that cannot be consoled.

Let go of the grief my Guides said.  But how many times have I tried?  How many days have I pushed myself to “cope”, to “get by”, to find something to be happy about?

How many times have I felt encouraged, determined to press forward, and believe – only to have my hopes and dreams, my belief in the possibility of a good life dashed by some outside force (or person) who cares nothing for me or the difficulties of my life.

It feels like I mean nothing to anyone.

A slam from an otherwise loving child.  Anger, avoidance, lack of concern from an otherwise loving husband – because they don’t know what to do.  So it’s easier to do nothing.

The creditors… oh yes, the creditors… they delight in obstructing every small chance we attempt – because we made mistakes.  They don’t know who we are – they don’t care who we are – we cost them money.  And so, they retaliate – viciously.

The world is so mean.  

Does that sound childish?  To me it’s just a simple statement of fact.

Life sucks – then you die. 

“Oh, don’t say that!”, people say.  “What a way to think!”

“I’m not going to give up”, Frank says.  Good for him.

Maybe I am the problem, and always have been.

“You must care about your health!”, the doctors say.  What they really mean is:  “We need you to continue to come to us, as often as possible, so we can earn a living.”  “Let us string out your miserable life”.  Not that they know or care that my life is miserable.  Actually they don’t know and they don’t care.  I’m only a meal-ticket to them.

My doctor actually told me that she cannot care for my mental health.  I better go find a psychiatrist.  They will cheerfully schedule all kinds of tests and consultations with other doctors for my body – it makes them money.  But when it comes to mental health – well that is just too scary.  You’re on your own.  And the fact that there are little or no mental health practitioners out there accepting patients?  Well, that’s your problem too.  The thing that you most need help with is not our concern – or worthy of our assistance.

So why should I bother?  To care about my health?  To continue this life?

Why not wish I could die? To have all this just end.

I think about Beth, and how awful her days are a good part of the time.  And how she still goes on.  What else can we do?

Actually, that’s what Frank says:  “What else can we do?”

And I say:  “I don’t know.  I guess we have no choice, but to go on – but to live these miserable days.”

Some days I don’t think they will be miserable forever.  Some days I can find hope for the future.  And then some uncaring, unconcerned person makes some stupid thoughtless comment – “why are you depressed?”  (as in “what do you have to be depressed about”).  HELLO!  Am I really that invisible to you?

I guess I am.

Or some total stranger – like the person working for the banks and credit agencies – determines that this letter, this “account” means nothing – is “deserving” of their hatred and retribution – perhaps because their day is going wrong – or perhaps they just like the feeling of destroying someone else – this person who “didn’t pay their bills” and thus must be scum.

The fact that we lost our home means nothing.  The fact that we’ve spent every spare nickel we have to pay them what we could means nothing.  The fact that it’s been three years means nothing.  The fact that we’re doing all we know how to restore our name and our “worthiness” means nothing.

We will continue to screw over your credit report and your life – because we can.  No home for you – not now anyway – “it hasn’t been long enough”.

To me that feels like:  “You haven’t paid long enough” – for having the audacity to make some mistakes in this life.

A home?  Not now.  And tonight it feels like – not ever again.