Hurt

The extremity of hurt teaches us that this is something we do not want to do.

Whether it is placing our hand on a hot stove or speaking unkind words, the result of those actions can be very unpleasant.

The Universe is not mean.  God is not unkind, but loving.  However sometimes the Universe sends us what appears to be drastic and dramatic situations that hurt deeply - at times necessary to get our attention.

When we have gone on in the same way for a long time with unhappy results, yet we can't seem to see 'why', you can be sure the Universe will send you a person or situation that will show you why.  The dramatic pain & hurt may make us surrender to the quiet and introspection - to asking and receiving a loving answer.

It is our human ego that creates this drama and pain - and it is our human ego that we need to get out of the way to receive an answer.

Friends and others can try to give gentle guidance.  The apparent perpetrator of the hurt - be it stove or person - can seem to be giving harsh pain and criticism.

But in the end, when we seek the answer in the Silence we will find comfort and reassurance that all is well - even perhaps that this was a gift.  The people that we encounter in these situations are often a mirror to ourselves.  The shortcomings we see in them may be a place we need to look at within ourselves - gently, yes, but with an eye towards realizing the part we played and how perhaps we can do differently, perhaps better the next time.  We can be thankful for all involved - that perhaps this time the person and situation gave us a new understanding - a new means to go forward.

The Universe will always remind us that Love is the way - that anything other than Love does not serve us or those we encounter.  Yet we are free - to continue in the same cycles of hurt and pain - and the Universe will always be there to support us - until we decide to embrace a different manner that leads to a different outcome. 

New Beginnings

After last night's entry I am convinced of two things:  It is time for me to begin writing in my blog again and....
It is time to count my blessings.

First and foremost is the blessing that I have my husband with me again.  The three years that we had to live apart because of his work were very painful for me.  Some of that is detailed in prior entries here.  He is the love of my life.  He is my life, and I am thankful every day that I can physically touch him, hold him, and have him beside me.

(Ouch!  The voices - I'm hearing a prior counselor's sarcastic comment referring to  my "little life".)  Yes, my life is little perhaps compared to many others - but it is those comparisons that have kept me in pain.  And it is the recognition of the things that really matter that has drawn me from it.

So the little things that matter are my blessings - and what I write about here.

Another blessing is that my two sons live with us now.  The difficult economic times have made it necessary, like I guess it has become necessary for many others also.  To have them about me, as grown men, watch them in their maturity, and listen to them as another adult whose opinion I value warms my heart.

And my darling daughter, my Bethany.  Bethany has lived away from me for over a year now - a milestone she herself commented on just a short while ago.  Bethany has a debilitating illness that has in the past made her quite dependent upon me.  That she has found the strength and determination - has worked so hard every day - to make a life for herself, by herself, is nothing short of a miracle.  I am so proud of my lovely girl (now a lady) that is making her own way, regardless of the difficulties.  That she has a partner, the excellent health care resources of Vermont, and a close, caring friend that help her walk the day to day, I give thanks for every day.

I give thanks that the Universe returned me to New Hampshire in time to be here for my mother this past winter.  Beginning New Year's Eve she had a series of life threatening occurrences happen, one after another, that required my being with her and for her throughout the seven months that it took for her to recover.  Though it took her level of health and independence down a few notches, today she was able to drive her own car to my home to spend some time with us.  That time is precious now - as we fumble through all that means - for today and the future.

I give thanks, to feel the blessing of the psychic forces around me.  This is a time to acknowledge their being and the comfort of their presence in my life - guiding, protecting, loving, and instilling confidence - that all is well.

And Life is a Blessing.

A Weird Freakin Day

So, it's 9pm.  I am feeling drained... 
but healed, I think.  Yes, quite a bit healed.

This morning began with me getting quite a bit scared, upset over the current political situation again.  So upset for all of us that I felt the need to scream (post in all caps) on Facebook about it, in order to get a conversation going.

That happened and it went pretty well.  But the fear of the whole thing (and the future) still had me scared.

So I started a conversation with my adult son; the same son that I talked about in my last post (Patrick).

Tonight I am drained now because the morning had me so emotionally and physically hyped that my body was screaming - as it often is - with adrenalin and anxiety.  And now I am coming down from that "high" - thank God.

All is quiet, very quiet again - my mind, my body.  And with the quiet comes the realizations - from my inner self - from what I view as my spiritual teachers.

Patrick was one of those teachers today.  Patrick was the catalyst for what my Guides and another particular unincarnate being have been trying to tell me for a few weeks now.

There is nothing I have to be.  There is nothing I have to do.  

In the discussion with Patrick we talked about alot of things.  One particular thing is my need to help others and feel responsible for helping others.  I told him that I feel this comes from my deeply ingrained belief that that is necessary in order for me to be a worthwhile person.  That idea comes from two places - religion and society.  

My Christian upbringing indoctrinated me to believe that I am unworthy; that in order to be worthy and in order not to go to hell but instead go to Heaven and meet Jesus, my entire life must be about helping others, being responsible for them and alleviating their suffering.  And that unless I did so I would have nothing worthy to show to Jesus when I (and if) I met Him.

Society told me that I am unworthy in others ways.  In society unless you make something 'better' of yourself, unless you achieve some nameless 'something' you also are unworthy.  So I tried to achieve the home, a certain level of economic status, a job to give me those.  And I failed at that.  A few times.  

And society has sure told me since that happened that I am unworthy.  But *I* have been telling myself that more so - for over 30 years - perhaps for my entire life.

I have lived in depression and shame for the last 30 years - hiding myself away because I did not achieve - either on a spiritual or a societal level.

For a month or so now my spiritual Guides have been trying to show me in a number of ways to just "Let Go" and telling me that "it will be alright".

I've been particularly scared because I feel my life is in the last quarter - and I didn't achieve whatever those nameless societal things were - and I didn't achieve some elusive spiritual level that would make me worthy to Jesus/God.

And my Guides have been saying "Let Go".

Patrick said:  "You want society to pat you on the back."  I said:  "No, I want to have something to show to Jesus when I meet him.  I want him to be able to show me the place where I did well, and tell me, that yes, indeed I did well and therefore my life was worthwhile and worthy."

And Patrick reminded me, as my Guides have been trying to remind me, that those thoughts are what has kept me bound, kept me in depression for 30 years.

I am thinking of Jewel's song:  'If I could tell the world one thing, it would be... we are all okay.  And not to worry, 'coz worry is wasteful in times like these".

She goes on to say: "I won't be made useless, and idle with despair."

I have been made useless and idle with despair for 30 years - 30 years of depression, fear, pain - hiding myself away because I didn't meet some imaginary level of worthiness of society.  A lifetime of fear that I wasn't meeting God's measure of worthiness.

Tonight I am drained.  But feeling calm and healed.  I pray it is a healing that stays with me.  It is this healing that I believe my Guides have been trying to give to me. The reminder that I - We - are all okay.

The reminder that Jesus' message was that of LOVE.  I have always known that.  I have always said that.  I have always tried to GIVE that - to YOU.  But not very often to ME.  And that is what the spiritual side of me and those I view as my angels have been giving me lately.

That they love ME, always have, always will.  The healing comes when I can realize and LIVE that I am worthy - always have been, always will - and when I can give that love and sense to worthiness to me - because God always will.