Last night I read through most of my old blog entries and thought '
my God! no wonder I was so debilitated! the things we've been through!'
I began the blog in 2009 when I became active on Facebook and the mental health communities scattered around the internet. Eventually that fell away, as did my posting to the blog. Life sent me another huge upset and I retreated to the corners again, cowering away from the slings and arrows of the outside world.
When I decided to start writing here again, I saw that it's been more than a year since I last did. During that year a large part of my time has been spent playing games on Facebook. The games require that you 'friend' quite a few people in order to make progress, and though it is discouraged, you end up friending people you have no knowledge of. Fortunately, that has worked out well for me. I have met some truly amazing people that have drawn me out of my shell again, who have been wonderful teachers on life and its lessons and human interaction.
Reading the old blog entries has me thinking again of the so many unfortunate events in my life. The entries that do talk of some of it don't even begin to relate all that has happened. When I think about telling 'my story' it is often with the thought of relating a warning (don't let this happen to you). More often it is with the thought of showing how we muddled through, horrible though it was, how I am still here, and how I still believe in life, love, and the enormity of All that Is.
In the end, I mostly decide not to post those stories, because we all have our stories and - I though I'm still befuddled and confused by the emotions and insecurity they bring - I chose to focus on that which has gotten me through.
Recently a friend from one of the FB games was having a bit of a tough time herself. I asked if I could send her some writings from my journal. After reading it she said she just loved it, it helped her so much, and she needed more of this! That response is one reason I'm writing here again.
And so, here is that entry from my personal journal of a few weeks ago:
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August 5, 2012
Basically I’ve been in a panic for
the last thirty years. On high alert; guarded, stressed; waiting for
the next horrible thing to happen. Scattered throughout this was the
occasional hope, a tiny momentary faith when I followed my interest
in metaphysics and spirituality.
But faith and hope were easily
shattered when dreams didn’t come true or life threw another curve.
Then came the return of “give up and shutdown” mode – where I
lingered for long periods of time.
But things change. Eventually, no
matter how horrible the past situation, life became different – if
not better.
Life here is the duality – good and
bad, ugly and beautiful, unhappy and happy. Thank God that there
will always be change - because even if you can’t seem to pull
yourself up – the abundance of life will.
I believe in angels. I believe in
Guides and direct communication with those in the spiritual realm who
do love and support you – who will not leave you comfortless when
it seems the whole world has. There are constant little reminders
that goodness exists; there are gentle whispers that you are not
alone; that there are those who care – and will see you through –
and be there on the day that you smile again.
I know - because they
have seen me through these 30 years of pain and panic. When I
turned my back on them because they didn’t make my whole world a
miracle – they never turned their back on me. They were always
there waiting when I couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t live
in armor anymore – waiting for the next attack and fight, seeing
only the nastiness of people.
When I begged to believe that it is not
true – when I begged for comfort – when I broke – they were
always there.
Sometimes it wasn’t always just
begging. Sometimes the changes of life allowed me to see beauty once
again and say Yes! to love and goodness. And they were there to
affirm, embrace, and heal.
The Age of Aquarius is the age of
mental communication – an increase in intuitive knowing and Divine
communication – occurring in a myriad of ways. The numbers of
people who discount the psychic, call it evil, or totally disbelieve
have greatly diminished.
Yet there are those who still wonder
sometimes (including myself) – is it just crazy? Is it mental
illness for a person to say they receive messages or communicate with
forces beyond our rational, concrete world?
For myself it is an especially
important question, simply because I have been “diagnosed” by
this world’s standards as having “mental illness”. When I look
at that from a strong state of mind I have the knowing of what I have
experienced to remove all doubt. When I consider from the world’s
eye-view of “illness” I find the term faulty and falling short.
We are now told by the mental “health”
community and their professionals that there is a physicality
to mental illness – and this I do know to be true. If you overeat,
eat the wrong things, don’t get enough exercise, smoke… do all
the “wrong” things – your physical health will be affected.
Likewise, if you repeatedly experience traumatic situations, take
drugs, or are born with a physical defect to the brain – your brain
will be affected by the chemicals and hormones that deteriorate its
functioning and create less than optimal states – such as major
panic where none should exist or confused thinking and reasoning.
However – I also see within
this world a whole host of people, including those mostly considered
“normal” by the world at large, who think and act differently
from the norms of our given society. In any age or society,
these are also easily labeled mentally “ill” by others should it
serve their purpose and prove useful to do so. I will always look to
defend such a judgment should I believe differently – for myself
and others.
So, am I mentally ill because I believe
in direct communication with the Divine, and believe I have and do
experience it often? For myself, the passing thought (and worry) of
such is easily put aside. Knowing takes care of the doubt.
Looking back and recognizing where I have been guided, supported,
cared for, and loved throughout the trials of my life restores the
faith – if not the trust.
I was shown this morning that it is the
trust that has been lacking – in myself, in others, and in the
Divine – that has kept me in 30 years of panic and cycling
fear-based experiences. For three weeks now the Divine has been
whispering and prompting for me to return my focus to what I know to
be true. The ongoing message has been one of Letting Go.
The past experiences have formed who I am today. They will always be
there in my memory, and at times raise an ugly head. But no longer
do I have to recycle the panic and fear.
It is time to Let Go of living panic
and fear. It is time to Relax into the comfort, care and love
of the Divine and TRUST that all is well and always will be.
YOU ARE LOVED is the message of the
Divine. It is the message I carry from the Divine.
Let Go of trying to be anything
other than what you are. Let Go the need to do or be more. There is much beauty in the Ordinary
Life. The lessons and worth of ordinary life is the
blessing you have been given. You are ripe with the experience of
all is has taught you. Relax, let go, and embrace it.
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The references on this day of trust, letting go, and the Ordinary Life come from a tarot reading I did for myself at that time. Tarot is one way I connect with the Divine and its messages. My life today is (and probably always has been) very very ordinary. It appears my future may end up being more of the same.
What is extraordinary is the Love I have been shown, and so give in return.
Many blessings,
Pam
