After Midnight

"The Edge" for a while now has been not being able to sleep at night. It's now 12:42 AM; I'm up after more than an hour of tossing and turning, with no sleep in sight. It's like that most nights.

I haven't written for a while. I'm kinda sick of me, and figure others must be too. I don't want to write what my life is like. I want to think pleasant thoughts and have something positive and uplifting to impart. But that's not happening.

I know a good portion of all my troubles stem from my habits - sitting around all day, smoking. In the quiet of bed, trying to relax and drift away, the realization of how sick I feel - how sick I have made myself that day - is my companion. Every night I end up trying to think of ways that I could smoke less, get some exercise, lose some weight, maybe even get outside?

But the next day is always the same. The first thing I reach for is my cigarettes. The exercise consists of doing the dishes, maybe a little housework, and by 10:00 AM I feel worn out. At intermittent times throughout the day my chest and throat tighten and I start a coughing/choking session that lasts until I can get whatever it is opened up again. Is it asthma? COPD? Who knows?

I'm hoping that when I finally get to the Doctor's appointment in January (that's been a 4 month wait) that he won't just give me hell for smoking and my weight, but will help me find a way to get some air so that maybe I can move around a little more.

Sometimes I think, "What happened to me?".... But I don't want to go there. Not the self pity... it's much too easy to fall into and I've been in that place way too many times over the years. I'm tired of it.

Today we watched a movie that's a few years old now... "The Family Stone". It stars Luke Wilson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Claire Daines, and Diane Keaton and Craig T. Nelson as the parents. I would recommend it. It's the typical disfunctional family gathering together at the holidays with their significant others, with a bunch of crazy things happening (which are fun/funny). But they also write the family as very loving and caring with each other and all turns out well in the end. Except.... for one happening (that I won't give away) but I will say made me cry.

Life is never like the movies, but the family loving each other... we have that... I'm thankful to say....

I wish I could find a way to come back to who I used to be. The times when the holidays meant so much to me and I filled them with joy for my family.

I'm making myself sad. I guess I just am sad.

I'm sorry...

Tomorrow I'll try again... I will try... to find something good to write about...

It's 1:30... Maybe I can get some sleep soon... and that will help