For Those that Hurt

I'm back home now after visiting with Frank a while.  Well, in the trailer that we rent.  Alone and lonely again.  The emptiness and four walls closed in pretty quickly.  I'm thinking about moving back to more familiar territory.  Not that that will make a huge difference, but it's something to think about.

Unfortunately, that thinking led to confusion and anxiety. Wound up tight, my emotions rising with the hot frustration of hating this then sinking to the drowning desperation of hating this, I called Patrick hoping to change the subject and the energy flows that were engulfing me.  He obviously didn't want to talk to me.  Was my state of being that transparent?  Probably.  I could hear the edge in his voice as he said:  "What do you want?".  I said: "Never mind", hung up the phone, and broke into pieces.

After a good cry, some choking and gagging and struggle for air, and some despondency laced with thoughts of suicide; the pressure broke and a numbing calm took its place.  Rise above.  Find your way out.

I opened "My Documents" on my computer, opened my "Writings 2010" and "Meditations".  I was looking for, and found, an entry from March.   I don't remember what the issue was then, but I remember receiving it at a time something like this.  With the calm comes listening and receiving the Voice that comforts me. Sometimes I open a page and type what I hear.

I've been wanting to share this with you for some time.  It's one of the first that I decided to share from the personal writings that I don't really call mine, but gifts of guidance and love.  I guess now is the time.

March 2, 2010

Do you think that when you’re suffering I don’t feel it?  I do.  I am right there with you.  We are never separated.  I experience your suffering and your joy.  The difference is, I know it need not be. 

I cry for you.  I hurt with you.  But I cry for your needless “sacrifice”.  There is nothing you have done wrong.  There is nothing you need to punish yourself for.  If you choose to experience suffering, I will be there with you.

When you chose to leave suffering behind, I am also with you.
You can do whatever you choose.  You don’t have to make yourself into something different for me.  I accept you as you are.  I love you as you are.  I am with you, as you are, in all ways, in all moments.

The times that seem particularly difficult for you are those times that you do not recognize this.

There is always another choice.

You can move from suffering at any point you choose.

I don’t ask you to suffer.  I know you are perfect.

Love your life.  Experience all that there is for you.  I will be there.

You have done no wrong.  Nor has any other.  If you think you have, that they have, you are mistaken.  Let it go.  Let that thought go.  And choose another.  Getting caught up in thoughts of hate places you in a place of hate, pain and suffering.  Your choice.

But if you don’t “like” it, you can simply choose again.

And so I make the decision to choose again, believing there is One that loves me and Guides me, knowing that the trust I place will lead me beyond this place of pain. 

Fear Makes us Angry

Last week, in his State of the Union Address, President Obama spoke of the anger that the American people are feeling right now.  He said (paraphrased) “they are afraid for their lives and their livelihood.  They are frustrated because they continue to ask for, vote for change and get instead the same status quo of immovable personal interests, and end up feeling they are not being heard.  Fear makes us angry.”

I get that.  Boy, do I get that!  But I wonder how many others in our world understand that relationship.  President Obama also spoke of a “deficit of trust” that has been created.  I’ve wanted to talk of the relationship between fear, anger, and distrust with regards to mental illness many times in the past. President Obama's words could be speaking directly of those with mental illness, and the issues they face.

Fear and anger have been a part of my life for many years now, along with (or resulting in) distrust.  A primary reason for my blog is to promote understanding of those who react with anger, to ask those who encounter it to look beyond the initial display, to see the fear that lies beneath, especially when it comes to those with mental illness.  As a society, not having done that, the result continues to be an increase in distrust among us all.  In the case of those “diagnosed” as mentally ill, it can mean the potential loss of a life, or at the very least a greatly reduced quality of life.

Rather than recognizing the fear in those deemed mentally ill when they react angrily, violently; we disrespect them, put them away from us, actually lock them away.  We put them on medications to keep them quiet and sedated.  Or worse yet, we let them remain in their extremity until they commit suicide or die from neglect.  Historically, we haven’t bothered to get to the root of the problem or to understand it.

I’m not advocating that we condone anger and violence.  I am the first to speak for peace and calm, respectful interaction and communication.   In fact, I believe communication is the key.

Communication leads to understanding.  This post is to offer the understanding that:  FEAR makes us all react in anger – some to a greater measure than others.  My belief is that fear is at the heart of all “mental illness”, maybe let’s even say all mental “distress”.

I hope you’ll follow along the next few posts that deal with fear, anger, and distrust – from my perspective – from my life.