Thursday, February 18, 2010


Thank you, Every Color.  I needed to hear that tonight.  Thank you, PJ, for always being there.  Thank you John, for the smiles and the hello's.

Each time I have a strong emotional swing I am embarrassed for the behavior.  I've always known that much of my troubles is emotional, though the mental health community talks of the neurological aspects today... and that does give some comfort.  No, I don't want to hide behind that it's all neurological like some claim we will, but the recognition of the body/mind connection cannot be overlooked... (from one who lives it).

I'm embarrassed and hurting and not really wanting to share any of it in a public place.  But I want to thank those who come here for their support, and let them know what's going on with me.  There is the usual differing of opinions as to whether what I have decided is "right", but it is what I have decided to do. I'm "self-helping" myself again... at the moment.... Still have not finalized a decision as to working with professional help again, yet.

What I'm doing right now is not easy and seems at times to be keeping the turmoil swirling.  I've decided to write and write and write... again... something I've done of course, over the years... keeping journals...  This time it is a combination of what's currently going on while also transcribing my old journals.

"Bringing up the past" can seem to others that I'm "hanging on to" the pain.  What I'm hoping to do is grieve the experiences that I need to and move on.... so that the pain, anger, resentment doesn't continue to follow me and rear its ugly head at inappropriate moments.  I've found the EFT(Emotional Freedom Techniques) website again and downloaded the manual for working with it, and will begin that again.  I've done it some in the past.... no where near enough... and it does work. 

Time will tell if I make any progress.... Transcribing the old journals does have me in a pretty unsettled state for right now.... It will take time and work.

In the past I thought I made great gains by "letting go" of the past but guess I haven't done as well as I thought.  I work to "live in the now".  But my now still consists of me as an emotional cripple or an egotistical bigmouth, which doesn't seem an optimistic picture for the future.  Neither is a state I want to remain in - or define myself by.

Don't know if I'll continue the blog.  I'm feeling pretty insecure right now.  But I wanted to say Thank You, again... and let you know why, if this place becomes silent.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Feb. 13, 2010

Just an update for friends who care or want to know…

Two weeks ago I was feeling good, in “intellectual” mode, went for various testing regarding physical health, feeling I could work towards “recovery” (whatever that means), and perhaps even begin volunteering somewhere.

Out of the blue I turned a 180….  All of a sudden thought (and felt):  “I can’t do this!” (Like ‘what the hell was I thinking?’)  Fell into deep depression, then started cycling…. like hour to hour… between depression….. well depression stayed…. but also was feeling irritation, bursts of anger…

Maybe I’m Bipolar?  Jesus, never stayed with one Doctor long enough to figure that out…..
Embarrassed myself on Facebook in a couple places with one of those episodes…. Deleted a whole bunch of friends and support pages..

Family frustrated…..  increases my confusion and desperation

My mind keeps moving between completely opposite possibilities that each seem correct at that given moment…

Beth says:  “This too shall pass”…. that’s what I’m hoping, but sure doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
I’m wanting to isolate…. feeling the situation is hopeless, and any movement forward is near impossible…. (as that has been the pattern in the past)

Posting this….. just because… I don’t know… hoping whatever happens it will help someone somewhere in the future… (and because I'm in my head at the moment, and not my feelings.... Head is saying "Do it"... a weak faint cry from somewhere else is pleading "no DONT"  Head's not listening...

Hope head is right...

And the usual, for the understanding and education of others…

I’m feeling at a place where I want to reject compassion…. Isn’t that frigged up?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Fear Makes us Angry

Last week, in his State of the Union Address, President Obama spoke of the anger that the American people are feeling right now.  He said (paraphrased) “they are afraid for their lives and their livelihood.  They are frustrated because they continue to ask for, vote for change and get instead the same status quo of immovable personal interests, and end up feeling they are not being heard.  Fear makes us angry.”

I get that.  Boy, do I get that!  But I wonder how many others in our world understand that relationship.  President Obama also spoke of a “deficit of trust” that has been created.  I’ve wanted to talk of the relationship between fear, anger, and distrust with regards to mental illness many times in the past. President Obama's words could be speaking directly of those with mental illness, and the issues they face.

Fear and anger have been a part of my life for many years now, along with (or resulting in) distrust.  A primary reason for my blog is to promote understanding of those who react with anger, to ask those who encounter it to look beyond the initial display, to see the fear that lies beneath, especially when it comes to those with mental illness.  As a society, not having done that, the result continues to be an increase in distrust among us all.  In the case of those “diagnosed” as mentally ill, it can mean the potential loss of a life, or at the very least a greatly reduced quality of life.

Rather than recognizing the fear in those deemed mentally ill when they react angrily, violently; we disrespect them, put them away from us, actually lock them away.  We put them on medications to keep them quiet and sedated.  Or worse yet, we let them remain in their extremity until they commit suicide or die from neglect.  Historically, we haven’t bothered to get to the root of the problem or to understand it.

I’m not advocating that we condone anger and violence.  I am the first to speak for peace and calm, respectful interaction and communication.   In fact, I believe communication is the key.

Communication leads to understanding.  This post is to offer the understanding that:  FEAR makes us all react in anger – some to a greater measure than others.  My belief is that fear is at the heart of all “mental illness”, maybe let’s even say all mental “distress”.

I hope you’ll follow along the next few posts that deal with fear, anger, and distrust – from my perspective – from my life.