Security and Comfort

Last night I read through most of my old blog entries and thought 'my God! no wonder I was so debilitated!  the things we've been through!'

I began the blog in 2009 when I became active on Facebook and the mental health communities scattered around the internet.  Eventually that fell away, as did my posting to the blog.  Life sent me another huge upset and I retreated to the corners again, cowering away from the slings and arrows of the outside world.

When I decided to start writing here again, I saw that it's been more than a year since I last did.  During that year a large part of my time has been spent playing games on Facebook.  The games require that you 'friend' quite a few people in order to make progress, and though it is discouraged, you end up friending people you have no knowledge of.  Fortunately, that has worked out well for me.  I have met some truly amazing people that have drawn me out of my shell again, who have been wonderful teachers on life and its lessons and human interaction.

Reading the old blog entries has me thinking again of the so many unfortunate events in my life.  The entries that do talk of some of it don't even begin to relate all that has happened.  When I think about telling 'my story' it is often with the thought of relating a warning (don't let this happen to you).  More often it is with the thought of showing how we muddled through, horrible though it was, how I am still here, and how I still believe in life, love, and the enormity of All that Is.

In the end, I mostly decide not to post those stories, because we all have our stories and - I though I'm still befuddled and confused by the emotions and insecurity they bring - I chose to focus on that which has gotten me through.

Recently a friend from one of the FB games was having a bit of a tough time herself.  I asked if I could send her some writings from my journal.  After reading it she said she just loved it, it helped her so much, and she needed more of this!  That response is one reason I'm writing here again.

And so, here is that entry from my personal journal of a few weeks ago:

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August 5, 2012
Basically I’ve been in a panic for the last thirty years. On high alert; guarded, stressed; waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Scattered throughout this was the occasional hope, a tiny momentary faith when I followed my interest in metaphysics and spirituality.

But faith and hope were easily shattered when dreams didn’t come true or life threw another curve. Then came the return of “give up and shutdown” mode – where I lingered for long periods of time.

But things change. Eventually, no matter how horrible the past situation, life became different – if not better.

Life here is the duality – good and bad, ugly and beautiful, unhappy and happy. Thank God that there will always be change - because even if you can’t seem to pull yourself up – the abundance of life will.

I believe in angels. I believe in Guides and direct communication with those in the spiritual realm who do love and support you – who will not leave you comfortless when it seems the whole world has.  There are constant little reminders that goodness exists; there are gentle whispers that you are not alone; that there are those who care – and will see you through – and be there on the day that you smile again.

I know - because they have seen me through these 30 years of pain and panic. When I turned my back on them because they didn’t make my whole world a miracle – they never turned their back on me. They were always there waiting when I couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t live in armor anymore – waiting for the next attack and fight, seeing only the nastiness of people.

When I begged to believe that it is not true – when I begged for comfort – when I broke – they were always there.

Sometimes it wasn’t always just begging. Sometimes the changes of life allowed me to see beauty once again and say Yes! to love and goodness. And they were there to affirm, embrace, and heal.

The Age of Aquarius is the age of mental communication – an increase in intuitive knowing and Divine communication – occurring in a myriad of ways. The numbers of people who discount the psychic, call it evil, or totally disbelieve have greatly diminished.

Yet there are those who still wonder sometimes (including myself) – is it just crazy? Is it mental illness for a person to say they receive messages or communicate with forces beyond our rational, concrete world?

For myself it is an especially important question, simply because I have been “diagnosed” by this world’s standards as having “mental illness”. When I look at that from a strong state of mind I have the knowing of what I have experienced to remove all doubt. When I consider from the world’s eye-view of “illness” I find the term faulty and falling short.

We are now told by the mental “health” community and their professionals that there is a physicality to mental illness – and this I do know to be true. If you overeat, eat the wrong things, don’t get enough exercise, smoke… do all the “wrong” things – your physical health will be affected. Likewise, if you repeatedly experience traumatic situations, take drugs, or are born with a physical defect to the brain – your brain will be affected by the chemicals and hormones that deteriorate its functioning and create less than optimal states – such as major panic where none should exist or confused thinking and reasoning.

However – I also see within this world a whole host of people, including those mostly considered “normal” by the world at large, who think and act differently from the norms of our given society. In any age or society, these are also easily labeled mentally “ill” by others should it serve their purpose and prove useful to do so. I will always look to defend such a judgment should I believe differently – for myself and others.

So, am I mentally ill because I believe in direct communication with the Divine, and believe I have and do experience it often? For myself, the passing thought (and worry) of such is easily put aside. Knowing takes care of the doubt. Looking back and recognizing where I have been guided, supported, cared for, and loved throughout the trials of my life restores the faith – if not the trust. 

I was shown this morning that it is the trust that has been lacking – in myself, in others, and in the Divine – that has kept me in 30 years of panic and cycling fear-based experiences.  For three weeks now the Divine has been whispering and prompting for me to return my focus to what I know to be true. The ongoing message has been one of Letting Go. The past experiences have formed who I am today. They will always be there in my memory, and at times raise an ugly head. But no longer do I have to recycle the panic and fear.

It is time to Let Go of living panic and fear. It is time to Relax into the comfort, care and love of the Divine and TRUST that all is well and always will be.

YOU ARE LOVED is the message of the Divine. It is the message I carry from the Divine.

Let Go of trying to be anything other than what you are. Let Go the need to do or be more.  There is much beauty in the Ordinary Life. The lessons and worth of ordinary life is the blessing you have been given. You are ripe with the experience of all is has taught you. Relax, let go, and embrace it.

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The references on this day of trust, letting go, and the Ordinary Life come from a tarot reading I did for myself at that time.  Tarot is one way I connect with the Divine and its messages.   My life today is (and probably always has been) very very ordinary.  It appears my future may end up being more of the same.

What is extraordinary is the Love I have been shown, and so give in return.

Many blessings,

Pam

Everything Old is New Again

This morning I posted to Facebook a link to an entry from two years ago entitled "Transitions".  In that entry I said I was no longer going to define myself as 'mentally ill' and by the specific labels placed upon me by that diagnosis.

hmmmm.... It seems that didn't happen, as I realize I still label myself as such, using PTSD as a convenient explanation for who I am, what I am, where I am, and the things I do; if I feel uncomfortable with any of it.  Usually I tell myself I am doing that because I want to be an advocate for the world to have a better understanding of all those labeled, feared, and languishing under the effects of mental illness.

For a few years now I have bemoaned those areas that contribute not only to my apparent mental illness but physical illness as well - my inability to take a walk outside alone because of panic feelings, feeling worthless because I no longer work an outside job or keep up with normal household chores, being overweight, and smoking, and the health issues those bring.

I realize mentally (and have for some time) that a big part of 'mental illness' for anyone is a lack of love for oneself.  We use all kinds of means to justify the places we apparently fall short - blaming others and the world at large being a big one that is used, condoned, and even encouraged by some today.

Life is continually changing and evolving but sometimes seeming to cycle right back to the same point - the same issues that make our life.  I've been to all kinds of doctors, counselors, done the tests and pills, looked at diets and plans and systems for overcoming my various mental and physical illnesses.

I've also spent 25+ years in active searching for a spiritual understanding of it all. Today (this day) feels good - 'happy', calm, and ripe with possibilities.  Nothing has changed with my list of issues - I'm still overweight, I still smoke, I still can't take a walk alone outside, and the dishes are in the sink.

But today I am feeling the effects of Spirit being active once again in my life.  Over the 25 years of seeking answers I have touched and been touched by the Light and Love that is the truth of our being.  I've wanted to shout from the rooftops the comfort, security and healing that brings.  Yet, how to reconcile the 'littleness' that I am with the enormity of that to others?  And so I have often stopped short.

Spirit has been nudging me for some years now to be an advocate not for my littleness but for the grandeur of our true essence.  Neither my true essence (or yours) is defined by the littleness we place upon ourselves.  Spirit will never do that, and has shown me such in a very healing way recently.

Let me share with you now a small piece of what was given to me from Spirit that has allowed me to accept all of my apparent littleness.  In future blogs I will share more.

Divine intuition/communication is subtle.  You don't really need to record concrete evidence.  Your life will continue much as it always has.  There doesn't need be any big revelations - no big changes.  You may not quit smoking.  Then again you might (gentle chuckle).  Your life will just be enhanced with the grace and LOVE of the Divine.  We are here to help - never ever to judge or hurt you in any way.  Relax.  Breathe.  It's ok.  You're ok.  Just Be Pam.  And let us be with you.  All will be well.

 In prior blog entries I occasionally touched on the area of Divine communication and interaction within our lives.  Maybe the above doesn't seem like much to you - the doubters will always discount.  But it (and other things) have given me a strong sense of healing - because of the love that has accompanied them.  Communication with the Divine will always be known as such because its non-judgmental tone.  In future entries I hope to devote this blog not to my littleness (or yours) but to the ways that the Divine is or can be active in our lives and the healing that is found there.

Many blessings,
Pam

 

Hurt

The extremity of hurt teaches us that this is something we do not want to do.

Whether it is placing our hand on a hot stove or speaking unkind words, the result of those actions can be very unpleasant.

The Universe is not mean.  God is not unkind, but loving.  However sometimes the Universe sends us what appears to be drastic and dramatic situations that hurt deeply - at times necessary to get our attention.

When we have gone on in the same way for a long time with unhappy results, yet we can't seem to see 'why', you can be sure the Universe will send you a person or situation that will show you why.  The dramatic pain & hurt may make us surrender to the quiet and introspection - to asking and receiving a loving answer.

It is our human ego that creates this drama and pain - and it is our human ego that we need to get out of the way to receive an answer.

Friends and others can try to give gentle guidance.  The apparent perpetrator of the hurt - be it stove or person - can seem to be giving harsh pain and criticism.

But in the end, when we seek the answer in the Silence we will find comfort and reassurance that all is well - even perhaps that this was a gift.  The people that we encounter in these situations are often a mirror to ourselves.  The shortcomings we see in them may be a place we need to look at within ourselves - gently, yes, but with an eye towards realizing the part we played and how perhaps we can do differently, perhaps better the next time.  We can be thankful for all involved - that perhaps this time the person and situation gave us a new understanding - a new means to go forward.

The Universe will always remind us that Love is the way - that anything other than Love does not serve us or those we encounter.  Yet we are free - to continue in the same cycles of hurt and pain - and the Universe will always be there to support us - until we decide to embrace a different manner that leads to a different outcome. 

New Beginnings

After last night's entry I am convinced of two things:  It is time for me to begin writing in my blog again and....
It is time to count my blessings.

First and foremost is the blessing that I have my husband with me again.  The three years that we had to live apart because of his work were very painful for me.  Some of that is detailed in prior entries here.  He is the love of my life.  He is my life, and I am thankful every day that I can physically touch him, hold him, and have him beside me.

(Ouch!  The voices - I'm hearing a prior counselor's sarcastic comment referring to  my "little life".)  Yes, my life is little perhaps compared to many others - but it is those comparisons that have kept me in pain.  And it is the recognition of the things that really matter that has drawn me from it.

So the little things that matter are my blessings - and what I write about here.

Another blessing is that my two sons live with us now.  The difficult economic times have made it necessary, like I guess it has become necessary for many others also.  To have them about me, as grown men, watch them in their maturity, and listen to them as another adult whose opinion I value warms my heart.

And my darling daughter, my Bethany.  Bethany has lived away from me for over a year now - a milestone she herself commented on just a short while ago.  Bethany has a debilitating illness that has in the past made her quite dependent upon me.  That she has found the strength and determination - has worked so hard every day - to make a life for herself, by herself, is nothing short of a miracle.  I am so proud of my lovely girl (now a lady) that is making her own way, regardless of the difficulties.  That she has a partner, the excellent health care resources of Vermont, and a close, caring friend that help her walk the day to day, I give thanks for every day.

I give thanks that the Universe returned me to New Hampshire in time to be here for my mother this past winter.  Beginning New Year's Eve she had a series of life threatening occurrences happen, one after another, that required my being with her and for her throughout the seven months that it took for her to recover.  Though it took her level of health and independence down a few notches, today she was able to drive her own car to my home to spend some time with us.  That time is precious now - as we fumble through all that means - for today and the future.

I give thanks, to feel the blessing of the psychic forces around me.  This is a time to acknowledge their being and the comfort of their presence in my life - guiding, protecting, loving, and instilling confidence - that all is well.

And Life is a Blessing.

A Weird Freakin Day

So, it's 9pm.  I am feeling drained... 
but healed, I think.  Yes, quite a bit healed.

This morning began with me getting quite a bit scared, upset over the current political situation again.  So upset for all of us that I felt the need to scream (post in all caps) on Facebook about it, in order to get a conversation going.

That happened and it went pretty well.  But the fear of the whole thing (and the future) still had me scared.

So I started a conversation with my adult son; the same son that I talked about in my last post (Patrick).

Tonight I am drained now because the morning had me so emotionally and physically hyped that my body was screaming - as it often is - with adrenalin and anxiety.  And now I am coming down from that "high" - thank God.

All is quiet, very quiet again - my mind, my body.  And with the quiet comes the realizations - from my inner self - from what I view as my spiritual teachers.

Patrick was one of those teachers today.  Patrick was the catalyst for what my Guides and another particular unincarnate being have been trying to tell me for a few weeks now.

There is nothing I have to be.  There is nothing I have to do.  

In the discussion with Patrick we talked about alot of things.  One particular thing is my need to help others and feel responsible for helping others.  I told him that I feel this comes from my deeply ingrained belief that that is necessary in order for me to be a worthwhile person.  That idea comes from two places - religion and society.  

My Christian upbringing indoctrinated me to believe that I am unworthy; that in order to be worthy and in order not to go to hell but instead go to Heaven and meet Jesus, my entire life must be about helping others, being responsible for them and alleviating their suffering.  And that unless I did so I would have nothing worthy to show to Jesus when I (and if) I met Him.

Society told me that I am unworthy in others ways.  In society unless you make something 'better' of yourself, unless you achieve some nameless 'something' you also are unworthy.  So I tried to achieve the home, a certain level of economic status, a job to give me those.  And I failed at that.  A few times.  

And society has sure told me since that happened that I am unworthy.  But *I* have been telling myself that more so - for over 30 years - perhaps for my entire life.

I have lived in depression and shame for the last 30 years - hiding myself away because I did not achieve - either on a spiritual or a societal level.

For a month or so now my spiritual Guides have been trying to show me in a number of ways to just "Let Go" and telling me that "it will be alright".

I've been particularly scared because I feel my life is in the last quarter - and I didn't achieve whatever those nameless societal things were - and I didn't achieve some elusive spiritual level that would make me worthy to Jesus/God.

And my Guides have been saying "Let Go".

Patrick said:  "You want society to pat you on the back."  I said:  "No, I want to have something to show to Jesus when I meet him.  I want him to be able to show me the place where I did well, and tell me, that yes, indeed I did well and therefore my life was worthwhile and worthy."

And Patrick reminded me, as my Guides have been trying to remind me, that those thoughts are what has kept me bound, kept me in depression for 30 years.

I am thinking of Jewel's song:  'If I could tell the world one thing, it would be... we are all okay.  And not to worry, 'coz worry is wasteful in times like these".

She goes on to say: "I won't be made useless, and idle with despair."

I have been made useless and idle with despair for 30 years - 30 years of depression, fear, pain - hiding myself away because I didn't meet some imaginary level of worthiness of society.  A lifetime of fear that I wasn't meeting God's measure of worthiness.

Tonight I am drained.  But feeling calm and healed.  I pray it is a healing that stays with me.  It is this healing that I believe my Guides have been trying to give to me. The reminder that I - We - are all okay.

The reminder that Jesus' message was that of LOVE.  I have always known that.  I have always said that.  I have always tried to GIVE that - to YOU.  But not very often to ME.  And that is what the spiritual side of me and those I view as my angels have been giving me lately.

That they love ME, always have, always will.  The healing comes when I can realize and LIVE that I am worthy - always have been, always will - and when I can give that love and sense to worthiness to me - because God always will.