Tuesday, August 24, 2010

For Those that Hurt

I'm back home now after visiting with Frank a while.  Well, in the trailer that we rent.  Alone and lonely again.  The emptiness and four walls closed in pretty quickly.  I'm thinking about moving back to more familiar territory.  Not that that will make a huge difference, but it's something to think about.

Unfortunately, that thinking led to confusion and anxiety. Wound up tight, my emotions rising with the hot frustration of hating this then sinking to the drowning desperation of hating this, I called Patrick hoping to change the subject and the energy flows that were engulfing me.  He obviously didn't want to talk to me.  Was my state of being that transparent?  Probably.  I could hear the edge in his voice as he said:  "What do you want?".  I said: "Never mind", hung up the phone, and broke into pieces.

After a good cry, some choking and gagging and struggle for air, and some despondency laced with thoughts of suicide; the pressure broke and a numbing calm took its place.  Rise above.  Find your way out.

I opened "My Documents" on my computer, opened my "Writings 2010" and "Meditations".  I was looking for, and found, an entry from March.   I don't remember what the issue was then, but I remember receiving it at a time something like this.  With the calm comes listening and receiving the Voice that comforts me. Sometimes I open a page and type what I hear.

I've been wanting to share this with you for some time.  It's one of the first that I decided to share from the personal writings that I don't really call mine, but gifts of guidance and love.  I guess now is the time.

March 2, 2010
Do you think that when you’re suffering I don’t feel it?  I do.  I am right there with you.  We are never separated.  I experience your suffering and your joy.  The difference is, I know it need not be. 

I cry for you.  I hurt with you.  But I cry for your needless “sacrifice”.  There is nothing you have done wrong.  There is nothing you need to punish yourself for.  If you choose to experience suffering, I will be there with you.
When you chose to leave suffering behind, I am also with you.
You can do whatever you choose.  You don’t have to make yourself into something different for me.  I accept you as you are.  I love you as you are.  I am with you, as you are, in all ways, in all moments.

The times that seem particularly difficult for you are those times that you do not recognize this.

There is always another choice.

You can move from suffering at any point you choose.

I don’t ask you to suffer.  I know you are perfect.

Love your life.  Experience all that there is for you.  I will be there.

You have done no wrong.  Nor has any other.  If you think you have, that they have, you are mistaken.  Let it go.  Let that thought go.  And choose another.  Getting caught up in thoughts of hate places you in a place of hate, pain and suffering.  Your choice.

But if you don’t “like” it, you can simply choose again.

And so I make the decision to choose again, believing there is One that loves me and Guides me, knowing that the trust I place will lead me beyond this place of pain. 

Monday, August 23, 2010

What if No one Answered?

Everywhere I turn, it's No.  Can't do that, won't work, invisible wall, brick wall, stop sign.

There's an alternative, a solution, for every problem they say.  The problem for me seems to be that for each alternative there is a reason it won't work, can't work, isn't the right time, or I simply don't have the ability.

I'm stuck - have been stuck - for almost 10 years now - staring at walls and wondering what I could do; if I could do, something, and how.  There isn't much.  The limitations I have placed upon myself, and continue to place upon myself, say No to most everything.

So I sit and draw upon the comfort of my bad habits, that only serve to keep me in this place.  Most days I say, "If I could only quit smoking."  "If I would make myself exercise."  "If I would eat better."  "If I had a job again, or something to give to others."  "Something to do for others, that would move me out of my own pity party."

Beyond the futility of my own self-imposed limitations (now real physical problems that prevent work or play in so many areas) is the reality of our day to day situation.  Frank's job requires that he be away from home.  The kids are gone and no longer need me.  I don't want them to need me.  I want them to have and create their own life - like all parents do.  And I want to create mine.  So when those times now occur that they seem to need me, I push them away, finally learning the lesson for myself that as grown adults they must make their own way, no matter how much I want to make it better for them.

So, Frank is not here.  The kids are not here.  Because of his job we've moved to a place unfamiliar to me - where I know no one.  And now his job is three hours away from that.  "Go out and be friendly.  Meet people.  It's not that hard,", they say.  It's always been hard for me - and now so even more.  I can't force myself to try anymore.

So I'm alone.  Day upon day of emptiness and loneliness.  No home that is my own anymore.  And the means and the timing to make a home again unknown and pretty much unavailable until who knows when.

Oh, what a pity party, huh?  Some days I sink into it.  Most days I really try hard not to.  I do.  I really do.  I find what I can to distract myself.  I think about others less fortunate.  I push to think the positive thoughts, begin again to work with the better habits, believe there is a reason and believe in myself.

Looking for - and finding - the positive, the interesting, the seemingly important, maybe even some reasons; I pass them along on Facebook.  I remember I have this blog.  I tell myself this is what I have, this is what I can give.  Some days that feels really right and important.

Other days I question whether it is - whether what I have to say has any meaning to people who are out in the world and living their lives - and figuring it out for themselves.  Or already have figured it out.  One day I spent an entire day on an entry that I thought was good - would be helpful - only to have Beth say:  "Well, DUH!"  Meaning I guess that everyone already knows and has moved beyond the things I sit and stew about.  So that entry got trashed.  And I haven't written for days since...

And depression has overtaken me again - for the last two days.  With nothing to do, nothing that could move me beyond it, and feeling totally lost, alone and worthless, hearing in my head that I have wasted 10 years like this - I returned to bed at 11:00 a.m. - feeling suicidal again; wishing I could just take a gun to my head.  Not that I really would.  I've felt that way many times over the years.  And I never have.  I don't want to die.  I just don't want to live like this.  I want all "this" to end.  I want to feel worth and feel I contribute to life, someone's life - beyond my husband's and children's - because they all have a life.  I'm the only one that doesn't seem to.

Having nothing, and seeming unable to move to anything, what I cling to... is God.  All the years of looking out through eyes of pain, of seeing, feeling and creating misery; I've asked God "Why" and asked for another way.

I've been answered.  Many many times I've been answered; in indirect ways - books, music, other people.  In very personal - direct ways - He has answered.  When I experience that knowing, what I want in the worst way is to share it - to let others know it is real and a real comfort from all the cares and backwards thinking of this world.

And so I write this blog, attempting to share it.   But mostly I haven't.  I'm still too unsure that anyone's listening, that what I'm giving has any meaning beyond another re-hash of my own insecurities and shortcomings.  Well, that's it I guess, today....

I am feeling insecure.  I am wondering whether this one thing that I try to convince myself that I have to give - that God wants me to give - is real, or just a figment of my imagination.  And so I thought about asking:  if what I do here has any worth, if what I do here is helpful or just a past-time for others - a distraction from their busy lives that really means nothing.

And then I thought:  "What if no one answered?"

And then I thought:  "It really doesn't matter."  Not that you, my reader, don't matter.  Giving to you is why I do this.  You are very important.  "It doesn't matter" because God has answered.

I don't know why my life is such as it is.  But I do know that I matter.  And I do know there is reason for me to be in this world.  And I do know God will show that to me day by day, regardless of the place I am in - emotionally or geographically.  I know that now and I want you to know it too.

God is real.  God loves you beyond measure.  You can do no wrong in His/Her eyes.  You have worth beyond measure simply because you exist and are a part of this loving God.

All this and more, God will show you too - will tell you - if you only ask and listen.

(In upcoming posts I will be sharing more of what God has shown me.  The writings are very personal, and very possibly subject to ridicule and rejection.  But so is this entire blog.  I believe it is what God wants me to do.  It is what I want and need to do.  And so it will be.)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Go, then, and Live these Truths

Go, then, and live these truths . . . that you may spread the joy, feel it in your heart, and know it in your mind. - Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch

Something good comes of everything, they say; and sometimes it takes crisis to bring about good.  I often speak from generalized sayings, expressions, and cliches, I know.  But the more I experience life and contemplate its mysteries the more often the truth found in these sayings reveals itself to me and becomes real in my life.  That is why expressions become cliche!  They are relevant to life - if we just pay attention.

A couple of nights ago Beth called while in crisis.  She was having a hard time with some of her issues.  As I've stated before, this is not the place or appropriate for me to discuss those here.  Suffice it to say that the moment pushed the panic button for me that all mothers feel when their child is in pain.

For many years now I have studied the psychic/spiritual connection to our physical/material world.  At that moment I felt drawn to seek help on a psychic level.   Searching the website of a professional, well-known psychic, I found there a forum where you can ask questions and interact.  (It's seems a little unfortunate to me - and I suppose to them - that as professionals become more recognized they are also more inaccessible or beyond your personal financial means).  But I was happy that the forum was there, and after joining, asked a couple of questions seeking assistance.

The particular thread that I posted to was titled:  "Psychic or Psychotic?"  This is a consideration made when it comes to mental illness - those deemed mentally ill often experiencing what they feel are positive spiritual/visionary thoughts or negative psychic/otherworldly attacks upon their thoughts.  The question of whether these are hallucinations/delusions or "real" is a criteria by which mental illness is diagnosed.  (I'll explore that subject further in a later post). 

The next day I received a reply from one of the moderators of the forum.  Her answer was a calming voice of reason and very welcome.  (Just so you know, the next day Beth was once again calm, strong, rational; ready and able to cope with her life issues - as we all must do if we are to overcome them.)  As a lady who has also experienced clinical depression in her life, she recommended me to two of her Squidoo.com lenses.  

The lady's name is Sandra Lynn Sparks and much of what she said in these posts parallel the understandings that I have developed about myself and my life over the last few years.  Here are a couple quotes from http://www.squidoo.com/redefiningjoy
"I am not afraid of anything I feel. I accept it and go through it. When I am very depressed I rest, and think of it as a rest, not a failure."
"I know myself. I accept myself. I keep going without shame or fear."

Personally it has taken a few years and a lot of heartache for me to be able to make the above statements.   However throughout those years I have also had the blessing of Divine Guidance that was with me always - though I still stumbled at times along the path with doubt.    When you purposefully seek the Divine, the personal connection will become known in your life.  I have experienced Divine Communication and continue in the faith of the knowing that is its result - even though I continue to experience depression.

Reading the posts at the forum and Sandy's Squidoo pages once again inspired and energized me.  Sandy's second page, http://www.squidoo.com/madwomanproject, is about creating from out of the darkness, honoring the images and understanding that the dark times can show us.  Beyond the art is Sandy's determination and willingness to be a source of support and inspiration to others through the psychic forum, as a psychic, and through her web pages.

I have shared here my frustration with finding a place, a way where I can feel that I contribute to others and myself once again.  So many conventional (work or volunteering) possibilities have occurred to me -  only to be knocked down by the limitations that are also in my day to day reality. 

Refusing to let the low times keep me down, I continue to cultivate the Divine in my life - reading, praying, meditating - having faith in All That Is - and knowing that It has faith in me.  Divine Guidance supports and comforts me, speaks to me of my worth, shows me the importance of every life, and brings me joy.

Sharing that is my life's mission.  Divine Guidance has encouraged, affirmed, and reconfirmed time after time that it is my work.  Divine Guidance has infinite patience.

I believe Beth's crisis and Divine Guidance brought me to the psychic forum and to Sandy - inspiring me and energizing me once again.  To be inspired is to be "In Spirit" - flowing with the Universe - receiving and giving from the abundance of All That Is.

As has often happened in the past, I was so filled with inspiration, I was flooded with ideas to share with you.  I get so flooded that it can seem overwhelming - how to get them all down and out to you?  And then I realized......

I was creating!  I create through sharing words and ideas (actually we all do) but my particular means is the written word.  Sometimes I just cannot not write!  I create from my place of pain.  I move from the darkness into the light, embraced by the Light, and share those experiences through this little blog.  Receiving financial reward as others do - through a website, e-book, or published book - is no longer a consideration for me; though I continue to ask the Universe to support my economic needs and have faith that It will.

I cannot help but share my life with you.  Because God IS LIFE.  ALL of life - the good and the bad, the light and the darkness, the pleasure and the pain.  Sharing God - Sharing Life is what I do.

It was evening when all this occurred.  I was too energized to sleep - but it was time to relax - so that I could wake and share all this with you the next day.

As is my habit, I opened one of my inspirational books to receive from Spirit.  I opened Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch and read:

Go, then, and live these truths . . . that you may spread the joy, feel it in your heart, and know it in your mind.
Blessings to you my friends.