Saturday, February 13, 2010

Feb. 13, 2010

Just an update for friends who care or want to know…

Two weeks ago I was feeling good, in “intellectual” mode, went for various testing regarding physical health, feeling I could work towards “recovery” (whatever that means), and perhaps even begin volunteering somewhere.

Out of the blue I turned a 180….  All of a sudden thought (and felt):  “I can’t do this!” (Like ‘what the hell was I thinking?’)  Fell into deep depression, then started cycling…. like hour to hour… between depression….. well depression stayed…. but also was feeling irritation, bursts of anger…

Maybe I’m Bipolar?  Jesus, never stayed with one Doctor long enough to figure that out…..
Embarrassed myself on Facebook in a couple places with one of those episodes…. Deleted a whole bunch of friends and support pages..

Family frustrated…..  increases my confusion and desperation

My mind keeps moving between completely opposite possibilities that each seem correct at that given moment…

Beth says:  “This too shall pass”…. that’s what I’m hoping, but sure doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
I’m wanting to isolate…. feeling the situation is hopeless, and any movement forward is near impossible…. (as that has been the pattern in the past)

Posting this….. just because… I don’t know… hoping whatever happens it will help someone somewhere in the future… (and because I'm in my head at the moment, and not my feelings.... Head is saying "Do it"... a weak faint cry from somewhere else is pleading "no DONT"  Head's not listening...

Hope head is right...

And the usual, for the understanding and education of others…

I’m feeling at a place where I want to reject compassion…. Isn’t that frigged up?
Whatever….

3 comments:

PJ said...

see, this post is what i'm talking about. i can tell that it was written on what you were feeling. that's how i think your blog should be. it shouldn't be an edited piece with what you think your readers would want. just let it flow my friend, let it flow.

much love to you...hugz!

Every Color Of Life said...

Feelings are neither right or wrong - they just are. Have to agree with PJ.- just let it go. This is your blog. Be yourself and allow yourself to be YOU.

Every Color Of Life said...

And I do hope today is brighter for you.