Thursday, February 18, 2010


Thank you, Every Color.  I needed to hear that tonight.  Thank you, PJ, for always being there.  Thank you John, for the smiles and the hello's.

Each time I have a strong emotional swing I am embarrassed for the behavior.  I've always known that much of my troubles is emotional, though the mental health community talks of the neurological aspects today... and that does give some comfort.  No, I don't want to hide behind that it's all neurological like some claim we will, but the recognition of the body/mind connection cannot be overlooked... (from one who lives it).

I'm embarrassed and hurting and not really wanting to share any of it in a public place.  But I want to thank those who come here for their support, and let them know what's going on with me.  There is the usual differing of opinions as to whether what I have decided is "right", but it is what I have decided to do. I'm "self-helping" myself again... at the moment.... Still have not finalized a decision as to working with professional help again, yet.

What I'm doing right now is not easy and seems at times to be keeping the turmoil swirling.  I've decided to write and write and write... again... something I've done of course, over the years... keeping journals...  This time it is a combination of what's currently going on while also transcribing my old journals.

"Bringing up the past" can seem to others that I'm "hanging on to" the pain.  What I'm hoping to do is grieve the experiences that I need to and move on.... so that the pain, anger, resentment doesn't continue to follow me and rear its ugly head at inappropriate moments.  I've found the EFT(Emotional Freedom Techniques) website again and downloaded the manual for working with it, and will begin that again.  I've done it some in the past.... no where near enough... and it does work. 

Time will tell if I make any progress.... Transcribing the old journals does have me in a pretty unsettled state for right now.... It will take time and work.

In the past I thought I made great gains by "letting go" of the past but guess I haven't done as well as I thought.  I work to "live in the now".  But my now still consists of me as an emotional cripple or an egotistical bigmouth, which doesn't seem an optimistic picture for the future.  Neither is a state I want to remain in - or define myself by.

Don't know if I'll continue the blog.  I'm feeling pretty insecure right now.  But I wanted to say Thank You, again... and let you know why, if this place becomes silent.


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