Everywhere I turn, it's No. Can't do that, won't work, invisible wall, brick wall, stop sign.
There's an alternative, a solution, for every problem they say. The problem for me seems to be that for each alternative there is a reason it won't work, can't work, isn't the right time, or I simply don't have the ability.
I'm stuck - have been stuck - for almost 10 years now - staring at walls and wondering what I could do; if I could do, something, and how. There isn't much. The limitations I have placed upon myself, and continue to place upon myself, say No to most everything.
So I sit and draw upon the comfort of my bad habits, that only serve to keep me in this place. Most days I say, "If I could only quit smoking." "If I would make myself exercise." "If I would eat better." "If I had a job again, or something to give to others." "Something to do for others, that would move me out of my own pity party."
Beyond the futility of my own self-imposed limitations (now real physical problems that prevent work or play in so many areas) is the reality of our day to day situation. Frank's job requires that he be away from home. The kids are gone and no longer need me. I don't want them to need me. I want them to have and create their own life - like all parents do. And I want to create mine. So when those times now occur that they seem to need me, I push them away, finally learning the lesson for myself that as grown adults they must make their own way, no matter how much I want to make it better for them.
So, Frank is not here. The kids are not here. Because of his job we've moved to a place unfamiliar to me - where I know no one. And now his job is three hours away from that. "Go out and be friendly. Meet people. It's not that hard,", they say. It's always been hard for me - and now so even more. I can't force myself to try anymore.
So I'm alone. Day upon day of emptiness and loneliness. No home that is my own anymore. And the means and the timing to make a home again unknown and pretty much unavailable until who knows when.
Oh, what a pity party, huh? Some days I sink into it. Most days I really try hard not to. I do. I really do. I find what I can to distract myself. I think about others less fortunate. I push to think the positive thoughts, begin again to work with the better habits, believe there is a reason and believe in myself.
Looking for - and finding - the positive, the interesting, the seemingly important, maybe even some reasons; I pass them along on Facebook. I remember I have this blog. I tell myself this is what I have, this is what I can give. Some days that feels really right and important.
Other days I question whether it is - whether what I have to say has any meaning to people who are out in the world and living their lives - and figuring it out for themselves. Or already have figured it out. One day I spent an entire day on an entry that I thought was good - would be helpful - only to have Beth say: "Well, DUH!" Meaning I guess that everyone already knows and has moved beyond the things I sit and stew about. So that entry got trashed. And I haven't written for days since...
And depression has overtaken me again - for the last two days. With nothing to do, nothing that could move me beyond it, and feeling totally lost, alone and worthless, hearing in my head that I have wasted 10 years like this - I returned to bed at 11:00 a.m. - feeling suicidal again; wishing I could just take a gun to my head. Not that I really would. I've felt that way many times over the years. And I never have. I don't want to die. I just don't want to live like this. I want all "this" to end. I want to feel worth and feel I contribute to life, someone's life - beyond my husband's and children's - because they all have a life. I'm the only one that doesn't seem to.
Having nothing, and seeming unable to move to anything, what I cling to... is God. All the years of looking out through eyes of pain, of seeing, feeling and creating misery; I've asked God "Why" and asked for another way.
I've been answered. Many many times I've been answered; in indirect ways - books, music, other people. In very personal - direct ways - He has answered. When I experience that knowing, what I want in the worst way is to share it - to let others know it is real and a real comfort from all the cares and backwards thinking of this world.
And so I write this blog, attempting to share it. But mostly I haven't. I'm still too unsure that anyone's listening, that what I'm giving has any meaning beyond another re-hash of my own insecurities and shortcomings. Well, that's it I guess, today....
I am feeling insecure. I am wondering whether this one thing that I try to convince myself that I have to give - that God wants me to give - is real, or just a figment of my imagination. And so I thought about asking: if what I do here has any worth, if what I do here is helpful or just a past-time for others - a distraction from their busy lives that really means nothing.
And then I thought: "What if no one answered?"
And then I thought: "It really doesn't matter." Not that you, my reader, don't matter. Giving to you is why I do this. You are very important. "It doesn't matter" because God has answered.
I don't know why my life is such as it is. But I do know that I matter. And I do know there is reason for me to be in this world. And I do know God will show that to me day by day, regardless of the place I am in - emotionally or geographically. I know that now and I want you to know it too.
God is real. God loves you beyond measure. You can do no wrong in His/Her eyes. You have worth beyond measure simply because you exist and are a part of this loving God.
All this and more, God will show you too - will tell you - if you only ask and listen.
(In upcoming posts I will be sharing more of what God has shown me. The writings are very personal, and very possibly subject to ridicule and rejection. But so is this entire blog. I believe it is what God wants me to do. It is what I want and need to do. And so it will be.)