In my last post I mentioned that I would like to have my blog be more uplifting. I would like more of my blog posts to be about the Goodness of Life.
I used to do that, you know. I used to have a website that was entirely inspirational. I filled that site with quotes, famous people, poems, books, music, and my own musings about all things GOOD - even my thoughts on God, the Universe, Truth.
A few years ago I used to scower the internet looking for positive thoughts, uplifting ideas, anything that would lift me when my mood was dark or sad. Sometimes I had a difficult time finding those places.
And so I thought I would make a site where people like me could go... a place that would let them know they were not alone... a place where their fear, sadness, and depression could be left behind... changed into a new, different possibility.
I loved the material on my website, and I believed in it. I still do. It brought me joy. I loved the times that I absolutely felt "in the flow" and the words seemed to come from some place beyond me.
But I do not "walk" what I "talked". At times I felt a hypocrite spouting the goodness of life when my own was falling apart around me; when I let the difficulties of life pull me back down to depression; when I spent my time maintaining my own poor, unhealthy habits rather than working to change them.
Another pretty heavy crisis came about... and I let the site go...
And I sunk back into giving up.... waiting to die... and having it all be over....
Since that time the world has moved on, the crisis has passed, and life continues, such as it is.
I spent some time in a couple different internet communities but eventually left those also, when I couldn't always maintain a pretty picture of myself to present to the world... when the depression overshadowed and oozed out and showed. It was very embarrassing.
Since that time a few Voices have come into my life with little hints that perhaps I'm too hard on myself. I met a man online that was part of a Distance Healing Network and I thought perhaps I'd join... but I was in too insecure a place at the time. He said most healers are also in need of healing themselves.
My youngest son, Neil, asked me to come back to Facebook so that we could at least share pictures and such. So I did. It's been fun, and I've met some great folks. And I'm thankful.
And then I watched "Minds on the Edge" and got a new perspective on the physicality of mental illness and the need to speak out and bring a new understanding.
And then I heard about "Bring Change 2 Mind" and got a new perspective on the stigma of mental illness... and realized how much of it was my own. Those two deepened my conviction to try again...
And then my oldest son Patrick started telling me of a community he is part of, where they discuss spiritual and life issues, often with greatly differing opinions. I said I found those communities too difficult to deal with, someone always looking to discount, disrespect, and lessen your beliefs.
And Patrick said that should never be a reason to stop speaking your beliefs. It doesn't bother him that others don't believe as he does, or even if and when they try to belittle his beliefs. It doesn't bother him that he has shortcomings and that others may point them out. Each person's beliefs are their truth and each of us has the right to speak it. (He talks of it much better than I in his blogpost, here).
Sometimes I'm so proud of the men that my sons have become. (You know you're getting old when your children are teaching you.) But I'm so thankful for that too.
Because of all this, little parts of me, pushed down and buried, are trying to seek the light of day. Somehow they keep getting squashed. But I'm not giving up hope that soon I will bring a few of them to fruition. I hope you won't give up on me either. Someday soon I hope to talk to you once again of the goodness of life.