Friday, December 4, 2009

There's Always Hope

Hello Friends,
Oh my goodness, what a week it's been! It's had a lot of activity (for me, anyway) and I'm not sure how I feel about that! Good, I guess... and that is different :)

I guess it feels strange because my emotions have been on a roller coaster. The "norm" for me for quite a while had been just self imposed numbness, so that I didn't have to feel anything.

Sometimes the world still imposes itself upon my desire to hide, such as when I had to try to deal with Frank's (hubby) insurance company regarding his recent hospital stay. What a nightmare that has turned out to be! It seems that since we moved to Vermont, none of the Doctors or hospitals around here are in the "network" of the insurance company. So that means that the insurance offered by his employer is pretty much useless to us. We will be required to meet an annual $10,000 deductible on top of the premiums. This is the only insurance offered by his employer, and now with him having a "pre-existing condition" getting our own through another carrier would be a problem..... I guess I hope now that the new Health Care Bill doesn't require people to have insurance... we'd be better off taking a chance of going without it, and covering costs ourself. Not sure what we're going to do. I didn't (and don't) want to think about it....

Thinking of it puts me in deep deep depression... whatever future we may have had feels blown for sure...

Frank was getting ready to travel again for his job, meaning I would be alone again for a while... Beth was trying to register her car in Vermont, but had lost her old registration, meaning she had to take a flying 6 hour trip to New Hampshire to get a copy and return in that same day (of course this was the last day before her registration expired!) Worrah, worrah, worrah! I was a zombie.

I've tried to move past it.... it is Christmas time after-all.

Meeting lots of new folks on Facebook, reading blogs, and enjoying having people to interact with again actually made me feel happy one day! When Beth called that morning, I told her it also made me feel uncomfortable. I'm just not used to feeling happy; it was kind of scary... can you believe that? Beth said: "Don't analyze it, Mom; just let yourself feel happy."

It lasted a little while and felt good! It's been so long!

The Minds on the Edge Facebook page has posted a link to my blog twice. Interaction with more people and the kindly comments they made felt wonderful. Sometimes I really need a reminder that there are good people in this world, and I am very grateful. Thank you so much!

I read a nice blog about the spirit of Christmas, that told of a man who had been a true "Secret Santa" for many years, giving out $10 and $20 bills to folks in obvious need. It was such an inspiring idea, and made me think of the spiritual truth that "To Give is to Receive". So I made my own blog post around both those ideas.

But you won't find that post now. I was feeling so conflicted about not being that "good" myself that it took me almost 4 hours to write it. Thinking I should let that conflict show (because my blog is about what it's like to be me) I spoke of it in the post and tried to express what I was feeling. But it "felt" so awful to have that out there in cyber-space, that I just couldn't and deleted the post a short while afterward.

I continue to talk to Beth about the folks I've met, the support and ideas around Minds on the Edge, Bring Change 2 Mind, or individuals' blogs. Most of the time she still says she just can't come out herself yet, though she does look at a few websites and blogs. We've talked about trying to get something going around here.

Beth has talked with her Nurse Practitioner about the Minds on the Edge video, but received no apparent interest. The NP told her of a group she'd try to get her in to, but you need special referral, apparently. It's been weeks with no movement there. We'd like to do a showing of MOTE and perhaps try to get a real "face to face" support group of some kind. But we really have our doubts that just the two of us would have the ability and confidence to follow-through and not give up.

We've talked with my son, Patrick, asking if he would lend support and assistance. He seemed open to the idea, so we'll keep working with it... Things move slowly... but that's the only pace I can handle now...

Beth says she continues to make progress with her new med, though she's a little worried about coming off one other. She's had some panicky anxiety/paranoia in her new apartment, and nightmares most nights, but she's handling it... The NP wanted the Psychiatrist at the office she uses to meet with Beth, to go over her meds, and that finally happened this week. He added a mood stabilizer... round and round we go...

I ended up alone only one night, because Patrick is living with us now. He had gone to visit friends, and Frank was gone on work travel. That night I watched Rudolph. I wanted the good feelings it brings. The emotions were extreme: the wonderfulness of Christmas shared with children and my own heartbreak of no grandchildren to share it with. I moved between irrepressible smiles of joy and scalding tears of emptiness. The extremity of it scared me, but I was happy that I gave myself the opportunity to feel the joy.

Later that evening I read some of my old journals and felt my connection to Spirit renewed. When I read some of the amazing "conversations" between me and Spirit, I can't imagine how I end up going through these dry spells.

But actually, Spirit reminded me in those posts that the life of illusion we live here has little to do with our Soul connection to All That IS. That connection is never broken, no matter the crazy situations we put ourselves in here. No matter how little we see ourselves, how horrible we think we are, God knows differently. And Spirit is with us always, through all those places. We are beloved, regardless, and should act from that, giving no heed to the obscure human characters we have made ourselves to be.

Patrick and I talked for hours the next day... we drive the rest of the family crazy with the length and depth of our philosophical and spiritual discussions. But we enjoy it. He helped bring back the hope, the joy, and the ability to see myself as something other than just my shortcomings. Having him here is a real blessing.

That's just part of my week. There's more, but I've been too long already... As I said, this much activity is a lot for me! Yes, it's been a roller-coaster, but having things to do and people to talk to has felt wonderful. Handling it fairly well gives me hope that maybe (maybe) I can handle more. It scares me to be out here, and it scares me to tell people that I'm moving again. I'm afraid I'll fall back and retreat again, and I'm afraid that people won't have understanding if I do.

But I hope you will be encouraged, as I am, that Hope has returned, a little bit. There's always hope, they say.....

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