In the month since I've last posted, life has been.... hmmmm.. Interesting shall we say :) There's been much transition and much introspection... often good.. sometimes uncomfortable...
The uncomfortable is not something I wish to focus on any longer.... at least not here. When it is necessary, or seems to grab me, I'm working on it, and I'm releasing the fear associated with so many things. It can often feel like baby steps... but it's steps being taken none the less... and I'm very happy with that.
Much of the introspection has been about transition; the changes in life that sometimes seem to usher in whole new chapters. At those times we look at where we've been, we think about where we're going, but we realize we are starting from Now... this moment. And this moment is good. All that we have been has brought us here and all that we are now will bring us into the future. We build our lives moment by moment.
The beginnings of this blog focused on mental illness. I state in my profile that I'm "disabled" by reason of anxiety, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hefty terms and labels. I focused on those because I wished to own the fact that this has been a part of my life. I wanted to address and face the stigma associated with mental illness, not only from others, but mostly from within my own self. I used the blog as a "coming out"; to reinforce for myself that I will no longer be embarrassed and ashamed that this has been a part of my life, or is a part of others' lives.
The transition that has occurred recently is that I have made the decision to say: I will no longer define myself by the labels of "disabled" or "mentally ill".
I recognize and honor the work of the mental health community. I recognize its necessity in our lives for overall well-being. I will continue to participate in those aspects that assist me in my life, my daughter's life, and the lives of others; but I will no longer let mental illness be the defining factor OF my life. (Or the main focus of this blog)
Oh my Goodness! It feels like I'm "orating" again....
My oldest son Patrick says I "love to orate". And you know what? YES I do! But I've decided that's okay. Whereas I was upset with the thought that I verbosely talk at people, I've always seen it as dialoguing, discussing, and most importantly, Sharing. It's the sharing that I love.
Much of my "introspection" has (for years) been spent looking at the past, and now recently looking at those things that I have learned and explored for all those years. The transition Now is that I have made the decision to honor who I am. And (Oh wonder of wonders!) be OKAY with who I am.
- a person most comfortable in my quiet little space, focused on singular activities
- a person who loves to see others succeed.
- a person who loves to share the infinite possibilities of anything and everything that contributes to our life, well-being, joy, and success
I guess I'll always be a student, and I'll always love the study... But in recent years it seems even my level of doing had ground to a stand-still. Life became stagnant because I saw my experiences, my life, myself as unacceptable; never reaching some self-imposed standard of becoming all the things I am not. I've spent much time beating myself up over "not being out in the world, doing" and "not actively applying" the things that I've studied and examined - to become a "better person" emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
In recent weeks I have made a transition. I am ready to move forward with life. I am ready to "do" and to "apply". But it's no longer because there's something wrong with me, there's something I need to become or do. Today I am Okay with me. Personally I believe that is the difference that will make everything else (to whatever degree) possible.
I do believe I came to that understanding through my "study" of all these years and the experiences that it brought about. That study has been of all manner of psychology, self-help, spiritual and philosophical theories, ideologies, processes, and programs.
In the future of this blog I'd like to share some of those things with you. In this transition even my reasons for "sharing" have changed. I used to feel that I needed to figure it all out and give what I'd learned to others, in case they were "in need" of fixing too.
I haven't figured it out and your life doesn't need fixing. Neither does mine. What I've explored, learned, and accepted may mean nothing to you. But it is Who I am, what I "DO", and what I ENJOY.
And I do hope you will enjoy it too. And maybe if you decide that any of it has worth for you or adds to your life, you'll continue to follow my blog. That would be great too :)
Sharing ourselves and what brings us joy, now that is what life is all about! Oh my God, this is huge!
lol lol lol
Can you tell I'm happy?