Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Security and Comfort

Last night I read through most of my old blog entries and thought 'my God! no wonder I was so debilitated!  the things we've been through!'

I began the blog in 2009 when I became active on Facebook and the mental health communities scattered around the internet.  Eventually that fell away, as did my posting to the blog.  Life sent me another huge upset and I retreated to the corners again, cowering away from the slings and arrows of the outside world.

When I decided to start writing here again, I saw that it's been more than a year since I last did.  During that year a large part of my time has been spent playing games on Facebook.  The games require that you 'friend' quite a few people in order to make progress, and though it is discouraged, you end up friending people you have no knowledge of.  Fortunately, that has worked out well for me.  I have met some truly amazing people that have drawn me out of my shell again, who have been wonderful teachers on life and its lessons and human interaction.

Reading the old blog entries has me thinking again of the so many unfortunate events in my life.  The entries that do talk of some of it don't even begin to relate all that has happened.  When I think about telling 'my story' it is often with the thought of relating a warning (don't let this happen to you).  More often it is with the thought of showing how we muddled through, horrible though it was, how I am still here, and how I still believe in life, love, and the enormity of All that Is.

In the end, I mostly decide not to post those stories, because we all have our stories and - I though I'm still befuddled and confused by the emotions and insecurity they bring - I chose to focus on that which has gotten me through.

Recently a friend from one of the FB games was having a bit of a tough time herself.  I asked if I could send her some writings from my journal.  After reading it she said she just loved it, it helped her so much, and she needed more of this!  That response is one reason I'm writing here again.

And so, here is that entry from my personal journal of a few weeks ago:

August 5, 2012
Basically I’ve been in a panic for the last thirty years. On high alert; guarded, stressed; waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Scattered throughout this was the occasional hope, a tiny momentary faith when I followed my interest in metaphysics and spirituality.

But faith and hope were easily shattered when dreams didn’t come true or life threw another curve. Then came the return of “give up and shutdown” mode – where I lingered for long periods of time.

But things change. Eventually, no matter how horrible the past situation, life became different – if not better.

Life here is the duality – good and bad, ugly and beautiful, unhappy and happy. Thank God that there will always be change - because even if you can’t seem to pull yourself up – the abundance of life will.

I believe in angels. I believe in Guides and direct communication with those in the spiritual realm who do love and support you – who will not leave you comfortless when it seems the whole world has.  There are constant little reminders that goodness exists; there are gentle whispers that you are not alone; that there are those who care – and will see you through – and be there on the day that you smile again.

I know - because they have seen me through these 30 years of pain and panic. When I turned my back on them because they didn’t make my whole world a miracle – they never turned their back on me. They were always there waiting when I couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t live in armor anymore – waiting for the next attack and fight, seeing only the nastiness of people.

When I begged to believe that it is not true – when I begged for comfort – when I broke – they were always there.

Sometimes it wasn’t always just begging. Sometimes the changes of life allowed me to see beauty once again and say Yes! to love and goodness. And they were there to affirm, embrace, and heal.

The Age of Aquarius is the age of mental communication – an increase in intuitive knowing and Divine communication – occurring in a myriad of ways. The numbers of people who discount the psychic, call it evil, or totally disbelieve have greatly diminished.

Yet there are those who still wonder sometimes (including myself) – is it just crazy? Is it mental illness for a person to say they receive messages or communicate with forces beyond our rational, concrete world?

For myself it is an especially important question, simply because I have been “diagnosed” by this world’s standards as having “mental illness”. When I look at that from a strong state of mind I have the knowing of what I have experienced to remove all doubt. When I consider from the world’s eye-view of “illness” I find the term faulty and falling short.

We are now told by the mental “health” community and their professionals that there is a physicality to mental illness – and this I do know to be true. If you overeat, eat the wrong things, don’t get enough exercise, smoke… do all the “wrong” things – your physical health will be affected. Likewise, if you repeatedly experience traumatic situations, take drugs, or are born with a physical defect to the brain – your brain will be affected by the chemicals and hormones that deteriorate its functioning and create less than optimal states – such as major panic where none should exist or confused thinking and reasoning.

However – I also see within this world a whole host of people, including those mostly considered “normal” by the world at large, who think and act differently from the norms of our given society. In any age or society, these are also easily labeled mentally “ill” by others should it serve their purpose and prove useful to do so. I will always look to defend such a judgment should I believe differently – for myself and others.

So, am I mentally ill because I believe in direct communication with the Divine, and believe I have and do experience it often? For myself, the passing thought (and worry) of such is easily put aside. Knowing takes care of the doubt. Looking back and recognizing where I have been guided, supported, cared for, and loved throughout the trials of my life restores the faith – if not the trust. 

I was shown this morning that it is the trust that has been lacking – in myself, in others, and in the Divine – that has kept me in 30 years of panic and cycling fear-based experiences.  For three weeks now the Divine has been whispering and prompting for me to return my focus to what I know to be true. The ongoing message has been one of Letting Go. The past experiences have formed who I am today. They will always be there in my memory, and at times raise an ugly head. But no longer do I have to recycle the panic and fear.

It is time to Let Go of living panic and fear. It is time to Relax into the comfort, care and love of the Divine and TRUST that all is well and always will be.

YOU ARE LOVED is the message of the Divine. It is the message I carry from the Divine.

Let Go of trying to be anything other than what you are. Let Go the need to do or be more.  There is much beauty in the Ordinary Life. The lessons and worth of ordinary life is the blessing you have been given. You are ripe with the experience of all is has taught you. Relax, let go, and embrace it.


The references on this day of trust, letting go, and the Ordinary Life come from a tarot reading I did for myself at that time.  Tarot is one way I connect with the Divine and its messages.   My life today is (and probably always has been) very very ordinary.  It appears my future may end up being more of the same.

What is extraordinary is the Love I have been shown, and so give in return.

Many blessings,

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