Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Weird Freakin Day

So, it's 9pm.  I am feeling drained... 
but healed, I think.  Yes, quite a bit healed.

This morning began with me getting quite a bit scared, upset over the current political situation again.  So upset for all of us that I felt the need to scream (post in all caps) on Facebook about it, in order to get a conversation going.

That happened and it went pretty well.  But the fear of the whole thing (and the future) still had me scared.

So I started a conversation with my adult son; the same son that I talked about in my last post (Patrick).

Tonight I am drained now because the morning had me so emotionally and physically hyped that my body was screaming - as it often is - with adrenalin and anxiety.  And now I am coming down from that "high" - thank God.

All is quiet, very quiet again - my mind, my body.  And with the quiet comes the realizations - from my inner self - from what I view as my spiritual teachers.

Patrick was one of those teachers today.  Patrick was the catalyst for what my Guides and another particular unincarnate being have been trying to tell me for a few weeks now.

There is nothing I have to be.  There is nothing I have to do.  

In the discussion with Patrick we talked about alot of things.  One particular thing is my need to help others and feel responsible for helping others.  I told him that I feel this comes from my deeply ingrained belief that that is necessary in order for me to be a worthwhile person.  That idea comes from two places - religion and society.  

My Christian upbringing indoctrinated me to believe that I am unworthy; that in order to be worthy and in order not to go to hell but instead go to Heaven and meet Jesus, my entire life must be about helping others, being responsible for them and alleviating their suffering.  And that unless I did so I would have nothing worthy to show to Jesus when I (and if) I met Him.

Society told me that I am unworthy in others ways.  In society unless you make something 'better' of yourself, unless you achieve some nameless 'something' you also are unworthy.  So I tried to achieve the home, a certain level of economic status, a job to give me those.  And I failed at that.  A few times.  

And society has sure told me since that happened that I am unworthy.  But *I* have been telling myself that more so - for over 30 years - perhaps for my entire life.

I have lived in depression and shame for the last 30 years - hiding myself away because I did not achieve - either on a spiritual or a societal level.

For a month or so now my spiritual Guides have been trying to show me in a number of ways to just "Let Go" and telling me that "it will be alright".

I've been particularly scared because I feel my life is in the last quarter - and I didn't achieve whatever those nameless societal things were - and I didn't achieve some elusive spiritual level that would make me worthy to Jesus/God.

And my Guides have been saying "Let Go".

Patrick said:  "You want society to pat you on the back."  I said:  "No, I want to have something to show to Jesus when I meet him.  I want him to be able to show me the place where I did well, and tell me, that yes, indeed I did well and therefore my life was worthwhile and worthy."

And Patrick reminded me, as my Guides have been trying to remind me, that those thoughts are what has kept me bound, kept me in depression for 30 years.

I am thinking of Jewel's song:  'If I could tell the world one thing, it would be... we are all okay.  And not to worry, 'coz worry is wasteful in times like these".

She goes on to say: "I won't be made useless, and idle with despair."

I have been made useless and idle with despair for 30 years - 30 years of depression, fear, pain - hiding myself away because I didn't meet some imaginary level of worthiness of society.  A lifetime of fear that I wasn't meeting God's measure of worthiness.

Tonight I am drained.  But feeling calm and healed.  I pray it is a healing that stays with me.  It is this healing that I believe my Guides have been trying to give to me. The reminder that I - We - are all okay.

The reminder that Jesus' message was that of LOVE.  I have always known that.  I have always said that.  I have always tried to GIVE that - to YOU.  But not very often to ME.  And that is what the spiritual side of me and those I view as my angels have been giving me lately.

That they love ME, always have, always will.  The healing comes when I can realize and LIVE that I am worthy - always have been, always will - and when I can give that love and sense to worthiness to me - because God always will.

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